When you’re freaking out about a new guy seeing you naked for the first time or are considering canceling a date because you have a zit on your forehead, you should know that all of your anxiety is pointless because not only will we not notice those things, we never notice these either:
- Whether or not your legs are shaved Freshly shaved or waxed legs? Sure! We might think, “Geez, these sure are smooth!” but frankly, if we’re touching your legs, we have other things on our mind. If we’re not touching them, we can’t see the hairs anyway. By all means, if shaving your legs makes you feel awesome — I certainly know shaving my face makes me feel like George Clooney — then go for it. Just don’t do it on our account.
- How much makeup you are or aren’t wearing You look great with makeup. Your deft hand contours, blends, and paints like a modern day Michaelangelo. But honestly, we think you look absolutely incredible au naturel. Some women (we assume) feel more comfortable in makeup, while some feel pressured to wear it out or for their job because everyone else does. For what it’s worth, we like you both ways and if most of us had to choose whether you’re made up and uncomfortable or fresh-faced and relaxed, we’d choose the latter every single time.
- Cellulite This has the feeling of something invented in the 1950s to shame women into buying products that have names like Cell-u-lite B-Gone! Well, here’s the truth: we barely know what it is, we definitely don’t care about it, and we certainly don’t notice it. Please stop worrying that it makes you less attractive because it definitely doesn’t.
- New home decorations Despite spending hours and hours trawling through Pinterest to find just the right level of shabby chic to aim for and then trawling through Etsy for days to make it happen, all to get the vintage trunk that really brings the room together… we’re probably not going to notice. If you point it out, then of course we’ll naturally appreciate your effort and natural flair for design, but to avoid heartbreak, your best bet is to bring it to our attention if you want our commentary on it.
- Stunning, beautiful mascara or a killer cat eye You have amazing eyes and we’re sure your mascara looks brilliant, but for most guys, there’s not really a difference between great mascara and terrible mascara. Sorry in advance, but we literally don’t know the difference between them.
- Cankles First, most of us don’t really know what these are. We’ve Googled them, like, 10 times and we STILL don’t really get it. We’ve never once seen someone’s ankles and thought, “Man, those are some serious cankles!” That’s just not a thought that’s ever entered our brains.
- Any so-called ‘blemishes’ your skin has Your skin in flawless. We never understand what women are talking about when they say they’re “breaking out.” We always assume it was a code or something because we certainly never notice a change. If you do happen to have a serious bit of acne pop up all of a sudden, we’d likely care more about any potential allergic skin reaction you might be having than we are about how “unsightly” your pimples are.
- Your tan (or lack of one) Please don’t use fake tan or tanning beds on our behalves. If it makes you feel more attractive to have a little color then by all means, have at it (but please do so safely and stay away from cancer-causing tanning beds). For us, it’s just not something we notice or care about. We’re too busy being impressed by all the other wonderful things about you.
- Your magnificently curated Instagram selfies Obviously, we’ve stalked you pretty deeply so have seen all your selfies, but you know, if you put in 90 percent less effort, we wouldn’t even notice a difference. Frankly, we think you look amazing in pretty much any photo, so if it were us, we wouldn’t worry about it.
- What you order in a restaurant There’s this absurd conundrum over what women should order in a restaurant when on a date. Do you get something messy like a burger? Is that sexy because it shows us you can really get down with food? Or do you get a salad and a glass of ice water because you’re a lady? We don’t care and we’re not scrutinizing your choice. Order what you want — we don’t notice anyway.
