Do you remember a time when the word “selfie” didn’t exist? It wasn’t that long ago. Before Kim Kardashian’s heavily contoured ego and a little thing called Instagram started the selfie revolution, we were all blissfully ignorant of every little detail of each other’s faces. Now, it’s actually impossible to go on the internet and not see yet another “spontaneous” self portrait someone just had to post. But you don’t have to be one of those people. There’s a lot more to life than your own face, so why not turn the camera the other way around for once?
No one cares. I know. It’s hard to believe. But it’s true. You may be beautiful, but there’s literally no one in the world that needs to see pictures of your face from 12 different angles. No one.
You will lose followers. Unless you’re taking selfies in constantly changing locations (in an elevator one minute, next to a tiger the next), then your face is not enough to keep people interested. And let’s be honest — you’re in your bedroom.
The filters are a lie. You may have figured out that your skin looks flawless every time if you use Valencia, but you can’t filter yourself IRL. Using filters is the equivalent of magazines Photoshopping pictures until they don’t even look human anymore. What’s the point?
You did not #WakeUpLikeThat. The jig is up.
The number of likes you get should not be directly correlated to your self-worth. What happens when you post a selfie you spent 20 minutes getting perfect and then no one seems to notice? If you actually consider deleting pictures that don’t get enough attention, you need to check your priorities.
You’re missing out on worthy photo-ops because you’re too busy striking your best pose. Seriously, you’re giant mug is blocking the sunset. Get out of the frame.
They make you seem self-absorbed. Loving yourself is awesome, and necessary. But if you think people care about the subtle differences between your Monday makeup and Wednesday makeup, you’re delusional.
Everyone can see through your humblebragging. Adding hashtags like #allnatural, #ugly, and #nomakeup are your not so subtle way of fishing for compliments. I hate to break it to you, but you’re about as stealthy as a bull in a china shop.
Your duck face is going to get you mocked. Do you really want to see yourself in a slideshow of the most ridiculous selfies? Is that what it’s going to take to get through to you? Don’t let it come to that. You’ll regret it.
You should be watching the road. Oh, I’m sure you took that selfie when you were parked, or at a red light. Of course. But honestly, don’t you have somewhere to be? Is that not why you are in the car?
We all know you took 20 awful ones before the one you posted. You aren’t fooling anyone.
You should be embarrassed if you do this in public. If you ask someone, they would gladly take a normal picture of you that doesn’t cut you off at the shoulders. You’re more than a floating head, but all those close up shots of your face are starting to suggest otherwise.
Your cleavage is never an accident, but nice try. Bonus points if you’re leaning forward, or blatantly pushing your boobs together with your arms.
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