Lesbians don’t sleep with men. It’s kind of the defining characteristic of a lesbian, right? So why do so many of my fellow lesbians, myself included back in the day, occasionally consider (or excitedly jump in to) a night filled with dude penis? Especially when they manufacture plenty of beautiful, technologically advanced, detachable lady penises? Well, let me see if I can shed a little light on the subject.
- It’s so easy.  It’s a million times easier to find a guy to sleep with than to find a girl. I’m not implying that dudes are easy or that lesbians never are, it’s just that it’s easier to find and sleep with guys. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel for any woman I know. We’re just talking sex here, though — not those super real connections.
- There’s no real connection. Being a lesbian is intense. Relationships with women are intense. A lot of lesbians know they don’t develop that level of emotional intensity with men. It’s a safe haven, kind of. A way to have companionship and sex without the expectation of a deep, meaningful romance. As long as everyone is aware of the situation, no harm no foul.
- The heartbreak is manageable. When relationships with men end, they can be sad, bitter breakups, especially if you were really deeply involved. But if you weren’t really all in the way two women go all in for each other, the breakup won’t feel like your life is over. It’s easier to survive.
- Sexuality is fluid. Even women who strongly identify as lesbians can find themselves legitimately attracted to men. They might find they build very deep emotional connections and form very satisfying relationships. Don’t get sexual fluidity confused with the idea that lesbians just need to find the right man, though, because that’s BS. Sometimes things just happen.
- Sex is fun. Sometimes you just need or want to roll around naked with someone, and when the opportunity presents itself to sleep with a guy, you’re like, “Eh, sure.” Of course, some lesbians would rather die than sleep with a dude and that’s cool, too. But think of those lesbians who didn’t come out until later in life, who had husbands and kids and who didn’t hate all the sex they had with their former partners. It’s not a matter of all-or-nothing for everyone. It’s sometimes a matter of which you prefer more.
- Identities are not binding.Your identity is yours to determine. You get to decide if you’re a lesbian. So yeah, you can be a lesbian if you’ve had sex with men in the past, or if you have sex with a man in the future. The fact that you prefer women and want to settle down with a woman is probably your justification, even though no justification is needed.
- Gender can be beautifully messy. There are men with vaginas and women with penises and people who identify as having both or neither genders. There are trans and intersex communities, and a whole world of people who are gender fluid. If you’re dating a woman who comes out as a trans man, and you still love that man, technically are you still a lesbian? Does it matter? You get to decide.
As for me, I’m a lesbian who is married to another lesbian. But back in my single days, I had the occasional dude hookup. They aren’t my favorite, but sometimes they’re fun, and I’m a grown up who gets to do what I want. That’s really the essence of owning your sexuality: it’s yours to define.
