Guys, Here Are 10 Things We Want To Tell You About Sex & Your Penis

You’ve heard the saying, “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,” and when it comes to sex, that couldn’t be more true. In the bedroom, size can always be a factor… but it’s not the only factor. And so to every dude who’s ever sent out unsolicited penis pics or bragged about the sheer size of his schlong, this one’s for you. Nobody cares how much heat you’re packing if you don’t know how to handle it, so stop measuring your Johnson and prepare to get schooled.

You probably care more about your size than we do. Women have approximately twelve hundred other things to concern themselves with other than the size of your meat package, and while we might have given it a passing thought, it’s not exactly at the forefront of our minds. If we’re interested in you, we’re fantasizing about intimacy beyond just bumping uglies — so if your size is all you’re bringing to the table, you can believe you’re not going to measure up.

The more impressed we are by how big it is, the more disappointed we’ll be if you’re awful. You might love that look of pleasant surprise that crosses our faces when we first see what you’re packing, but if it turns out you don’t know what the hell you’re doing with it, our opinion of you has a long way to fall. There’s nothing more disappointing for a woman than getting excited about getting frisky and then having man let us down — so you need to be sure that you’re not going to.

We don’t even want to see your d*ck until there’s some foreplay. If we haven’t been sated with some steamy kissing, heavy petting and (please) a little dirty talk first, then we’re probably not at the point where we want to see your wiener, anyway. Whipping it out without the appropriate foreplay is the kind of rookie mistake that betrays your lack of know-how before you even come close to scoring — and your overeagerness will not endear us to you.

There’s more to sex than just penetration. Knowing what to do with your bang-hammer is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to pleasing a woman. You can bet that if you don’t know how to make us come, how long your sexy screwdriver is will be long forgotten. A clever lover knows how to utilize all of the assets in his tool-kit (and if you don’t, we’ll remember you as just another tool).

Even penetration requires a certain amount of finesse. Porn might make it look as easy as putting the peg in the hole, but that’s porn — making things look easy is kind of the point. Without knowing your angles and being able to work out the necessary positions, you won’t be pushing the right buttons — which means most women would be better off getting busy with their silicone boyfriends instead.

Our world does not revolve around your d*ck. A woman’s greatest enemy in the face of bad sex? Boredom, plain and simple. If you don’t know what you’re doing, we’re going to notice whether you’re handling a cocktail wiener or a massive sausage. While you’re grinding away and doing nothing for us, we’ll be making grocery lists, considering what we’ll have for dinner later, or if you’re lucky, just lying back, faking it and thinking of England.

Nobody likes faking it, so don’t put us in that position. While some of us have taken a solemn vow to never fake it again, we all understand that a dude’s ability to please a lady is kind of tied to his ego — so if you can’t show up, some of us will be kinder than others. The best way to make sure a girl isn’t faking it is to make sure she doesn’t have to, and that’s going to require more effort than just getting it up.

Your penis can’t fill the vacuous void that is your personality. There’s every possibility that you’re an even bigger d*ck in personality than you are in your pants — and we’re much more likely to have a better time if we, y’know, actually like you. If all you are is the size of your big, flailing meat wand, then you’re not going to be a very fun lover, period.

There’s such a thing as “too big.” You’re not pleasing anybody by cramming all 8-inches of yourself into a space that can’t accommodate. For a lot of women, being repeatedly rammed in the cervix doesn’t exactly constitute a good time — in fact, you’re probably getting closer to “nightmare pap smear” territory than you are a pleasant sexual encounter. Know your limits and learn your partner’s… because if you’re too big and you don’t know how to handle it, you’ll probably be going home… alone.

The first time is a sampler — if you can’t impress us, we probably won’t come back. Really bad sex is the kind of thing that can put a relationship six-feet-under before it even gets off the ground. While there are women out there who would theoretically love to have a man with a penis worth bragging about, when given a choice between bad sex with a big d*ck and great sex with an average-sized one, you can bet we’d pick the latter, hands down, every time.

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