Having wild and crazy sex with a stranger or outside of the confines of a relationship used to be all I did. I would give myself away very easily and then wonder why I was left feeling sad, confused, and resentful. I’ve done enough of that for a lifetime, though. Now all I want is sex from a committed relationship.
I don’t need to experience any more wild and crazy. I’ve had enough aimless sex that’s been wild and crazy. My curiosity has been fulfilled for a lifetime. I don’t go out and sleep with strangers anymore with drunken, lust-filled desire. It’s not that I don’t want wild sex ever, I just want it with a committed partner.
Nothing about aimless sex appeals to me anymore. I used to get such a big hit from falling in lust with a hot person, pursuing them, then jumping into bed. This gave me a thrill, especially when drinking was involved. I don’t go to parties and scope people out to sleep with anymore. The whole experience of waking up the next morning and having it be all weird is certainly not something that I’m pining after.
There used to be a lot of hurt feelings. The truth of the matter is that I never left one-night stands or other forms of aimless sex feeling very good about myself or the other person. Instead, I was usually resentful and wondered why the person I slept with didn’t want to be with me for longer than just that night. I used to think that I was too clingy for being hurt by aimless sex, but now I know it’s totally okay that it isn’t for me.
It was never fun anyway. I deluded myself into thinking that a casual hookup was going to be a totally fun and crazy time that I’d love. In reality, it usually happened when I was too drunk to function and I wasn’t even able to keep myself safe in making sure the dude wore protection. Even when I had aimless sober sex, it always left me with an icky feeling, never settling quite right for me.
I was always left yearning for more. I told myself I was just down to sleep together and that was it, but in reality, I always desired to see the person again or to try to have a relationship. I was never satisfied with just sex. Instead, I was craving true intimacy where I got to know another person for who they were. Sex with randos didn’t fulfill my deep desires.
I wasn’t able to weed out people who were only looking for sex. Ultimately, I was really looking for relationships and to make significant connections with people. Even if someone did also want to go out on dates and try to build a relationship after we slept together, I couldn’t really tell whether or not they were just in it for the sex. Now I actually hold off on getting physical with people so I can tell who’s looking for a relationship.
I really was looking for something substantial anyway. I was too good at lying to myself. I thought that I could settle for something on the surface and casual, but deep down I was looking for a substantial partner. I was looking to speed through getting to know someone. I thought that sex could help me do that, but it really wasn’t the way to finding someone to be with in the long-term.
I don’t have sex outside of committed relationships anymore. To solve all of my hurt feelings, confusion, and misplaced desire, I’ve just totally stopped having sex outside of committed relationships. Even when I’m dating someone, I wait a long while until I even kiss them because I know what I’m looking for. It’s not wild and crazy sex with a stranger, so I hold off until there’s commitment from both ends.
All I want is a nice relationship. Today I know that even when I’m incredibly attracted to someone that I don’t just want their body. I no longer objectify people and use their bodies to try to feel close to someone else. Now, I’m working towards having a nice relationship with someone that I’ve gotten to know over time. This method of dating has left me with a whole lot more sanity as well as my self-respect.
I’m happy to have plenty of meaningful sex in the confines of a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m opposed to sex or even that I don’t want it to be wild. I just really want sex to happen in the confines of a committed relationship. There I can be comfortable and trust the other person. I can lean in and enjoy myself. We can build true intimacy and I’ll find that satisfaction I’m looking for.
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