Read This If You Can’t Stop Drafting & Deleting Texts To Your Ex

You know you shouldn’t, but you can’t help picking up your phone late at night and typing out a message telling your ex how much you miss him and how much it sucks that he’s no longer in your life. Thankfully, you come to your senses and delete it before sending. If this keeps happening to you, here’s what you need to keep in mind:

1. You’re no longer the woman you were when he was yours. As hard as it is to believe that you’ve gone so long without him, it simultaneously feels like a lifetime because, in some ways, it really has been. Everything is different than it was back when you were together. The person he knew, the girl he loved and the woman he lost are all gone—and that’s probably for the best.
2. Wanting to reach out isn’t the same as doing it. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve almost sent the “I’m sorry” text and it doesn’t matter how often you’ve wished you could ask how he’s doing. What matters is that every time you get the urge, you realize that it won’t actually make the pain go away. It won’t change anything about the fallout and it won’t help you heal. You’re smart enough to know better—give yourself some credit for that.
3. It’s always better to sleep on it. Anything you want to say in the middle of the night, when you’re drunk at the bar, or when you’re lonely is going to look very different with fresh eyes. If you can’t help but draft a message, at least give yourself some space from it before you decide whether or not to send. It’s amazing what a little perspective can do for your sanity and common sense.
4. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. After a breakup, there’s no shortage of people telling you it’ll get easier, but no one tells you that the pain never disappears completely. Breakups are like scars that don’t hurt anymore except when you happen to touch just the right spot. You fall asleep at night and no longer worry about nightmares but you still have to change the channel when that song comes on the radio.
5. You almost feel like yourself again—keep going. You can mix, mingle and date new people but panic sets in when they ask about past relationships. You’re finally starting to feel like you can function normally but sometimes, the sadness creeps in. For the first time in a long time, you’re truly happy but memories resurface when you least expect it. Keep going—you’re almost there.
6. Just because it feels like you’ll never love again doesn’t make it true. You wake up every morning without a weight on your chest but passing a car that looks like his makes you do a double-take. You watch the shows you used to follow together but when you meet someone with his name, your heart races. You can finally look ahead to a future that’s full of promise but then you remember that trip you planned that won’t happen. All of these things are normal. You might not love again next week or next month, but eventually, you will.
7. You can’t blame yourself. It’s natural to wonder “what if?” and to obsess about alternate universes in which everything is different. Maybe you’ve dreamt of him saying all the right things and living happily ever after together if you would have just done things differently, but there’s nothing you could have said or done to change the ending to that story. Even if there was, what’s done is done. There’s no sense blaming yourself—it just keeps you stuck in the past.
8. You can’t take back a text. Maybe the last time you poured your heart out, you actually pressed send and you’ve regretted it every second since. There’s no undo button once you send a message, and even with the best intentions, there’s no telling how it will be perceived. If you’re not completely sure you want to send a text out into the universe, don’t.
9. Waiting for a response is agony—don’t put yourself through it. So you decide you DO want to send him the message you’ve been planning for months, but what happens after you press send? You’ll spend the next few minutes, hours, or even days obsessing over when he’s going to respond, and what he’s going to say. You’ll run through hundreds of scenarios in your head, all of which may not even be true. It’s unnecessary torture—don’t do it to yourself.
10. Not getting a response is worse. Waiting for an answer is hard, but what if after all that, he never responds at all? Nothing will feel like a bigger let down then finally pressing send and being completely ignored. No matter how much part of you wants to reach out, it’s not worth it if you’ll always be left hanging. This is one of those times when having the last word won’t feel like a victory.
11. Don’t judge yourself for struggling. It’s easy to feel pathetic for constantly reaching for your phone. But the next time you find yourself wanting to give in, remind yourself that everything you’re experiencing is completely normal. Pain means you’re alive. Strength comes from being broken. Light can only exist after darkness. And with each passing year, the sting will lessen. So for now, let it hurt. Feeling the weight of what you went through doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human.