It’s one thing to want to spend quality time with your boyfriend but it’s another to be attached at the hip to the point that you’re smothering your guy. By being constantly in his face and refusing to give him breathing room, you make it seem as if you either don’t trust your guy or you don’t have a life of your own. Either way, it’s not a good look and you’ll find yourself either in the center of one too many fights or refining your Match profile once he breaks it off.
Here are some signs that you’re smothering, and ways to cure it before it wrecks your relationship:
- You need to know where he is at every point of the day. You know he works from 9 to 5, but if he gets home at 5:30 when you know his commute is just ten minutes, you can’t help but feel a little angry at him. Where was he? Was he chatting up a cute coworker? Maybe he wasn’t at work at all! Stop before you freak out and remember that you’re not his personal secretary. He’s your boyfriend, but he’s also a human. It’s one thing to be MIA for hours, but don’t fret over something so unimportant.
- You get upset if he plans a guys’ night. What if they’re talking about you? What if his friends are convincing him to break up with you? Well, the probability is low. Not only does your boyfriend deserve some alone time with his friends, but in general, guys don’t dish about relationships as much as girls tend to. He’s probably chatting about sports, video games, movies, or music. If the guys ask how you’re doing, he’ll probably respond with a simple “fine,” or “good.”
- You feel like you should be able to control who he hangs out with. This is kind of like a “part B” to the above. You don’t like particular friends of his, and you feel the need to try and cut contact between them. Now, it’s true that a guy is as good as the company he keeps — so if his friends are sleazy womanizers, that might be a red flag overall. But friendships are something you can’t control. It’s up to him to decide who he spends his time with. Just reverse roles and think about how it’d feel if he told you who you could and couldn’t see that weekend.
- You feel more like a mother than a girlfriend. You’re childless, but feel like you have plenty of experience with kids. You do his laundry, wash his dishes and tell him what he can and can’t eat for dinner. While it’s nice to take on roles once you live with someone, you have to remember that your boyfriend is an adult. Not only will you burn out quick if you take all of these tasks on, but you’ll soon feel like you’re in charge of his decisions. Let him grow up, and let him be himself.
- Not only do you know his passcode, but you check his phone all the time. Paging through someone else’s texts and photos is a huge breach of privacy. The only time you should give yourself permission is if you absolutely, 100% know he’s cheating (or putting you in danger) and need the proof in order to break up with him and move on. But grabbing his phone to skim through his stuff, just casually, isn’t cool at all. It’s almost like walking in on him using the bathroom — nothing he’s doing in there is shady, but it’s still something he should have some privacy for.
- You have a joint Facebook account. You figure that you share the same friends, so why not? Nothing screams out “insecure” like a shared Facebook account. It just makes you seem like one, sad unit, and not two individual people. You both deserve your own online identity.
- You talk to his Mom more than he does. Hey, his Mom might be the coolest lady in town. But if you’re calling her every Sunday to report on “our boy,” and gossip about what’s happening in his life, you simply need to hang up and find a new hobby. Your boyfriend and his Mom have had a relationship like no other since, of course, he was born. Be courteous, but don’t meddle with it or make it weird.
- You find yourself winning every fight. As you know by now, couples fight. It’s usually over dumb crap, but it happens. The best outcome is a compromise, but if that doesn’t come into fruition, you typically win some and you lose some. If you find yourself winning all of them, there’s definitely an uneven balance in this relationship — and it’s probably because your guy is afraid to speak his mind to you. Always being right is a common trait for smotherers, since they have an ideal situation in their head as to how a relationship has to work. Often times, your boyfriend loses his voice and isn’t allowed his opinions if they happen to clash with yours. This will just turn into a one-sided relationship, and a pretty boring one, at that.
- Alone time? What’s alone time? This guy doesn’t even have a second to de-stress with his xBox when you’re around. You constantly want his attention, even when he’s absolutely exhausted from a rough day. It’s fine to feel needy every once in awhile (we all do it) but you have to understand that your boyfriend will be at his absolute best when he’s had some time to zone out, and pursue his own interests for an hour or two. Give him a moment to breathe after work before pouncing on him with a million questions and commentary about your day.
- You’re bored without him there. It’s cool to miss your guy after he goes on a work trip, or goes on a vacation with his family. Even if he’s gone for a weekend, you notice it. But if you find yourself being bored just fifteen minutes after his car leaves the parking lot, the problem is on you. You’re turning your boyfriend into a hobby, and you’re putting too much pressure on him to constantly entertain you. Buy some coloring books, find a new website you love, paint your nails, or even better — hang out with some of your girlfriends during this time, and don’t even think about texting him every hour on the hour.
