Sorry Dudes, I’m Not Desperate Just Because I’m Fat

Dating for women of any shape and size can be difficult, but if you’re overweight like me, it can be almost impossible. On dating sites, my inbox is overflowing with bone-headed men making awful comments—and however well-intentioned some of those said guys may be, it’s like they think I’m so desperate for penis that I’m just going to hop on the first one that comes along regardless of how THEY look or act. I’m here to tell you that that just isn’t the case, dudes.

1. My body does not exist for your personal fetish. If dating apps have taught me anything, it’s that men love to overlook the fact that fat women are people with emotions and instead want to exert some kind of power over us by telling us all the nasty things they would do to our fat bodies if given the chance (even when we never asked). A simple “Hey, how are you?” would suffice for an opening message but instead, I’m bombarded with comments about how juicy my thighs are or how my cleavage is sexy. I’m more than just big tits and a big ass; I’m a human being worthy of love and respect, just like any other woman.
2. Insulting me when I decline your thinly-veiled offer at sex just how fragile your ego truly is. When rejected, the first insult men will hurl my way is something weight-related. So five minutes ago when you were telling me you wanted to “eat ground beef out of my fat ass” (true story) I was perfectly acceptable to you, but now that I’ve politely turned you down, I’m an “ugly, fat bitch”? Have several seats. You didn’t care that I was “ugly” or “fat” when you were trying to get me to sleep with you, so what’s changed except your attitude?
3. Negging me about my weight won’t work. The jig is up! I’m totally aware that when you send me a message that says, “Wow, you’re hot for a fat girl,” you’re throwing me a backhanded compliment in a feeble attempt to lower my resolve and make me self-conscious enough to drop you a line back. It ain’t happening, bud. Deleted and blocked. Next.
4. Trying to get me to send you nudes or sext you within five minutes of speaking to me is pathetic. I’m not going to gift you with my sexy ass nudes just because you messaged me some cheesy one-liner and then followed it up with, “I’m so hard rn.” Do you know how HARD it is to set up a self-timer for 10 seconds and then run to throw yourself over your bed just so you can get a good photo of your ass? Sorry, you gotta put in some work for these nudes, Chad. They weren’t easy to come by.
5. My body doesn’t exist solely for the male gaze. My body exists so I can breathe and eat and live, not so I can be a pretty, curvy object for anyone to gaze upon 24/7.
6. Don’t even think about trying to booty call me just because I’m overweight. I have three jobs, rent’s due, and I care for several pets. Do NOT try to FaceTime me at 1:30AM talking about, “You up?” You will get rejected. Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I’m going to bend to your every testosterone-driven whim. I love sex just as much as the next person but that doesn’t mean I want to be treated disrespectfully. You better be taking me on a date first and the food better be good. I’m a big girl, remember? You don’t want to see me when I’m hangry.
7. Stop telling me “curvy girls do it better.” Dissing other women and making them seem like they’re my competition is NOT the way to my heart. I don’t hate skinny women and you shouldn’t either. Trying to create a false sense of pride based on my body isn’t your call to make. Furthermore, pitting one body type against another isn’t conducive to destroying the patriarchy (my one true goal in life), so please get your faux compliments out of inbox.
8. If I’m not interested, I’m not interested. Don’t let let your injured sense of pride attack me for my weight. It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person but it also doesn’t mean you should tell me I should be “grateful” you ever spoke to a “fat ass” like me. I’m a queen and should be treated as such.
9. I have high standards regardless of my weight. I know my worth which means that I refuse to settle for less than what I want and need just because of a number on a scale.
10. I want a relationship; not just sex. Fat women are frequently regarded as nothing but sexual objects and not viewed as “relationship material.” We’re barraged with horrifying messages about our looks, approached in clubs by men only looking to bone, and hurtled with unsolicited advice on how to lose weight on the daily. I shouldn’t have to be a blow up doll made only for sex when I have so much love and loyalty to offer a partner. Just because society has sexualized my large ass and tits doesn’t mean that I’m ready to bone at a moment’s notice.