23 Thoughts You Have During Bad Sex

We’ve all been there. Whether it was that one night when you had 6 tequila shots too many, the time you needed an end to your pity party, or the time you just plain thought it would be awesome. And it wasn’t. Bad sex is the best way to never see someone again and the worst disappointment on a Friday night. If nothing else, at least bad sex stimulates your mind. With a bunch of unpleasant thoughts, that is.

Okay, so we’re skipping the foreplay. Yup, it’s in already. I think.

Well this is… different. I’m not sure whether I should pity myself or feel bad for him. Either way, this is awkward. And fast. Very fast.

Please stop making that face. Not only is it creepy, but it’s also a cruel reminder that one of us is actually enjoying this.

Does it count towards your number if you can’t feel it? It better not. This seems almost unfair.

Oh, we’re changing positions! Yes! New position, new possibilities! All is not lost!

All is definitely lost. Are you sure you know where my vagina is?

Did I turn off my straightener before I went out? What groceries do I need to buy tomorrow? Did I ever email that client back on Friday? Is my mom’s birthday coming up?

He’s definitely getting the “I just want to be friends” talk. Or maybe just the ‘I want to be friends’ text. Screw that, I’m blocking his number.

Is it weird if I touch myself? Because I’m pretty sure I could do better. Has he ever heard of a clitoris?

So this is why he’s single. It’s actually incredible that I could go from planning our wedding at the bar to planning my escape from my own bedroom.

Could this be his first time? OMG. Am I sleeping with a virgin?

Should I fake it? Does that work for women? Let’s give it a whirl.

Well, that didn’t go according to planned. I guess that only works for guys?

This better be followed by epic cuddles. I’m going to need some serious comforting after this traumatizing experience.

Why is he sweating so much? That drop of sweat is about 2 seconds away from dripping off his forehead and I’m going to lose it if it touches me.

I can’t believe I left the bar for this. I really need to work on making better decisions.

Wait until I tell my friends. This is going to be a great story for our group chat.

Is this my fault? Is this because I blew off that guy last week? Or because I don’t do oral sex?

Is he using his finger or his penis? It’s his penis. Where the hell are his hands then? Can he do something with them?

Are you even going to kiss me? No? Okay. I’ll just lay here. You tell me when you’re done.

How much did I drink tonight? Am I drunk? Is he drunk? Am I having a bad dream?

Did he just go flaccid? This is awkward. Okay, stop pumping, budd, You’re done.

That was a waste of shaved legs. I knew I should have stayed in with Netflix tonight. Screw the post-sex cuddles. How do I get him out of my bed?

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