The beginning of a relationship is like when you’ve gotten a job but put down friends as fake references. Yeah, the other person has “hired” you, but the “you” they think they’re getting is only a vague approximation of who you really are. And then before you know it, you’re months into the relationship and pretending to be super laid-back about everything. But not anymore! Here’s why I’m done being the “cool” girlfriend:
I hate beer.
Seriously, it just tastes bad. I always order one at the beginning of dates just to show I can kick it with the boys, but seriously, I’m a girl. I like girly drinks because girly drinks don’t taste like a dust bunny threw up in my glass.
I don’t wake up like this.
How long do I date a guy before he gets to see the actual, unfiltered, acne-covered, glasses-wearing, night guard-sleeping real me? It takes waaaay too long to make the car crash of how I wake up into the fierce and femme fabulousness of how I show up on a date. I will only shave for a man so long before he’s getting the hairy legs reveal. If he has a problem with that, then a big goodbye to him.
Yeah, I’m f*cking jealous.
Of course I’m jealous. You’re hanging out with your ex-girlfriend/a girl “friend” that I can tell totally likes you/women who aren’t me. Nobody on the planet is chill with that.
I couldn’t care less about sports.
So why do I sit there and watch the game with him? I have no idea what’s going on, and watching the cute professional athletes bend over is only entertaining for so long. All I’m really doing is sitting next to a guy, imitating the noises he makes and hoping he doesn’t notice how often I’m checking my phone.
I’m not hiding the crazy because I’m not actually crazy.
Okay, so maybe I’m jealous, insecure or a million other things. If you’ve got a problem with me being human and having human problems, then sweetie, WE have a problem. If my crazy has to do with thinking the president is a lizard person who killed JFK, then maybe I should hide that — but if my crazy is just worrying about work a lot, then screw anyone who says I should hide it.
Do you want me to be “cool” or do you want to be allowed to be a jerk?
Because a lot of the time, it’s the second one. When a guy is saying, “My girlfriend is so cool, she lets me blah blah blah,” often what he’s really saying is, “My girlfriend is so cool, she’s letting me be a total ass to her.” Not putting up with crap from guys doesn’t make me uncool, it means I’m not going to be your doormat.
This is some messed up, patriarchal bullsh*t.
Why exactly am I changing myself to impress a guy? Why isn’t he going shoe shopping with me pretending to be interested in how ridiculously cute these ballet flats with cats on them are? It’s not just messed up for women — don’t think I didn’t see those tears at the beginning of Up. I know he’s got some emotional vulnerability deep down in there. Some women may be “crazy,” but Jesus Christ on a cracker are boys repressed.
No, you can’t have some of my dessert!
It’s my dessert. And just because I’m pretending I don’t eat like a half starved hippopotamus doesn’t mean I didn’t want that last piece of chocolate lava cake.
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