9 Questions You’ve Always Had About Penises Answered By A Guy

Just like men can’t understand what it’s like to have a vagina, we guys imagine that the realities of having a penis are probably lost on most women. Here are a few questions you probably have that I’m happy to finally answer.

Do the balls bounce around a lot? It’s not like we’re always thinking about it, but yes, at times our balls do swing from side to side—drastically so if we’re playing some kind of sport, running, etc. Otherwise, they’re fairly motionless, safely tucked away within the warmth of our underwear. “Freeballing” might increase the movement, but most of us reserve that for when we’re in the comfort of our own homes.

Do penises dip into the water when men sit on the toilet? This isn’t a common problem, no, although I’ve seen some exceptionally well-endowed dudes on the internet who might have a different answer. With that in mind, I have experienced incidents when I may have sat down wrong or the toilet was weird or I was a little bit drunk and the tip of my penis managed to kiss the side of the bowl. When this happens in a public restroom, it’s a trauma that women will simply never understand.

Is a kick in the testicles really that bad? Yes! Look, we’ll never be able to comment on the age-old debate between the classic swift ball kick vs. that of childbirth, and I appreciate that squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of your vagina isn’t exactly the breeziest of ordeals. However, the difference is that women get nine months to prepare for that day! Your bodies even assist with a bucket full of hormones to ease this otherwise miraculous event! An unprepared knock to the nuts is like removing the stomach and unhinging the knees, slowly crippling the man with waves upon waves of increasing nausea and blind shock. It is, in fact, really that bad.

Do vaginas feel different from one another? Yes, they do, and we love every single one we have the pleasure of being inside. Hey, you asked.

Are “blue balls” just a fake ploy to guilt women into getting men off? To be fair, it probably is often used in that way. Still, with all the blood rushing to our genitals while our ejaculate is eagerly preparing itself to jump ship, the physical pain of an unrealized sexual release is an all too real biological reaction and it sucks. That said, I’ve never seen testicles actually turn blue. Furthermore, there’s very little risk of permanent harm and we’re more than capable of sorting it out ourselves, so don’t fall for our tricks.

Can men get erections when they’re not turned on? How do we get rid of them? Erections happen whenever they feel like it. It was way worse when we were teenagers, as the penis had an awareness of itself, ready to get involved with anything no matter how unrelated to sex it was. Dealing with these unwanted erections, however, are trade secrets, but include distracting our thoughts, strategically covering up the bulge by placing something in the way, tucking our friend up under our belt, or simply owning it.

Do penises float in the bath? Kind of. They don’t sink, at least. They sorta just sway with the water. It’s not that amazing when you watch it. In fact, it becomes a bit boring after a while.

Are masturbation orgasms as good as sex orgasms? I can’t imagine the answer would be any different coming from a woman. Masturbation is consistent; we know exactly what we like, but it’s also too regular of an occurrence to be all that thrilling. Sex, on the other hand, can make a permanent imprint on your mind and alter the course of your universe. Or, it can also be the most awkward and regretful interaction of your entire life, haunting you for the rest of time. Basically, there’s no easy answer here.

Can men sleep on their stomachs? It should come as no surprise that yes, we can. It’s relatively easy too, just so long as we have a plan and set everything up properly before we do so. Saying this, there are those fatal nights when we roll over during a slumber-induced haze and everything ends up in an awkward place, but even then, one quick adjustment and we’re right back to sleep. However, it’s important to note that none of this applies to erection incidents, as those are much bigger deals in more ways than one.

Why do men pee all over the place? Honestly, we still have no idea how to work these things. It really is that simple.

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