There have been plenty of guys speaking out on the Internet about how they refuse to eat women out for various reasons. Obviously, that doesn’t really go over very well with a lot of us, but the reality is that no guy should have to do something he doesn’t want to. That being said, if oral sex is something you want and your guy has no interest in doing it, you might have a problem.
The truth about oral sex
Perhaps unsurprisingly, there are a whole lot of men out there who are either uninterested in giving oral sex or outright refuse to go down on women. A major US study back in 2016 found that more than a quarter of women admitted to giving a man oral sex without ever having received any in return. Only 10% of men could stay the same. Likewise, a UK study by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine found that while both men and women agree that young men and women both agree that oral sex is important, but men are way more likely to receive it. Ugh.
Sadly, this problem doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Sex therapist Ammanda Major reveals that she sees this attitude all too often in her line of work. “The majority of porn is just women giving head for hours. It never takes on board the playful experimentation that should be there for both partners. There is nothing wrong with watching porn – so long as you don’t take it seriously,” she says. Of course, knowing this doesn’t get you head, so what can you do to change his mind?
What are your options when your guy refuses to go down on you?
Find out why he doesn’t want to do it. If he’s nervous because he doesn’t have much experience with it or he had a bad experience in the past, you can work with that. A guy who hates going down on women in principal and a guy who just doesn’t know how to do it are two completely different things, so don’t freak out before you know which category he falls into.
Offer to give him tips. Everyone has to start somewhere, so you shouldn’t be too surprised if you come across a guy who doesn’t really know how to go down on a girl and do it well. If he’s willing to learn, that’s a great sign, so take advantage of it and teach him exactly what you like. You can even turn it into a sexy game between you to make things in the bedroom even steamier.
Consider how important it really is to you. Are you one of those mythical women who can orgasm from penetration alone? Then maybe oral sex isn’t that important to you. For the rest of us, there are plenty of other foreplay activities you can enjoy together. But if you absolutely need oral and can’t imagine your sex life without it, maybe this guy just isn’t the one for you.
Tell him you want him to go down on you. A lot of guys say they’re used to women who don’t like receiving oral sex so they just stopped offering to do it. That’s likely a copout and complete BS, but sure, go with that. If you want it, ask for it. The worst he can say is no, and then you can kick him out of your bed and find a guy who’ll say yes. It’s 2022. Nobody has time for terrible sex.
Respect his boundaries. No guy is obligated to go down on a girl. It’s appreciated, yes, but if he’s really against it, you can’t force him. If he says no, try to talk to him about it. If that doesn’t work, let it go. He’s not obligated to go down on you and you’re also not obligated to keep sleeping with him. If he’s legitimately against the idea of going down on women for whatever reason, that’s his prerogative, just as it’s yours to walk away.
Suggest some creative alternatives. Try having him go down on you in the shower, doing 69, or using toys. There are plenty of ways to make a woman orgasm, so if one thing isn’t working, it’ll just force you to be more creative and try new things. It’s possible to incorporate oral in a way that’s less direct/focused on that singular activity, so don’t be afraid to branch out and try something new.
Stop giving him blow jobs. If he’s one of those guys who loves when you go down on him but refuses to reciprocate, he could probably use a taste of his own medicine. You might not even have to actually stop giving him blow jobs. Just ask him how he’d like it if you did. That should get your message across. If he’s still too selfish to meet you halfway and offer you the same pleasure you do for him, it’s clear it’s never going to work.
Consider how he is in bed otherwise. Maybe he’s so fantastic at everything else that you don’t even need oral sex that much, or even at all. If he still cares about giving you orgasms and can make it happen, who cares how he does it? Of course, you should never have to compromise on what you want in bed, so if your partner isn’t willing to do what it takes to make you happy and bring you pleasure, that may be enough to end things.
Consider dumping him. Depending on what your relationship is — for example, if it’s an FWB arrangement, his oral skills might hold more weight than if you were in a serious relationship — his attitude towards oral sex might be more than enough reason to kick him to the curb. Don’t feel guilty for knowing what you want and going after it.