Dear Men: Here’s Why We Don’t Want Your D*ck Pics

You meet a girl. You flirt. You exchange numbers. You ask her on a date. She secretly plans your future. You get excited and send an unsolicited picture of your penis. #GameOver. Here are 13 reasons you need to stop sending d*ck pics, like, immediately:

They’re presumptuous. Sending an unsolicited picture of your cock is like saying “I know you are DTF”. Even if we were, we aren’t now. Nothing kills the mood faster than a big hairy peen on our cellphone screen.

They come with strings. You aren’t sending us these pictures and expecting nothing in return, but we didn’t sign up for a trade. Just because you feel comfortable preemptively exposing yourself to others doesn’t mean we feel the same… and if did, we would be working at the strip club getting paid for it.

They aren’t pretty. They’re funny looking at best, but if you’re trying to make us laugh, there are a million other ways. We know the female body is beautiful and you want to look at it all the time, but unfortunately we can’t say the same.

They’ve probably been recycled. We know this isn’t your first rodeo, so all we can think about are the five other women you’re currently sending it to, or the hundreds of others who have seen it before. Newsflash, they didn’t like it either.

They ruin the mystery. Call us old fashioned, but we actually like that element of surprise the first time we go to cop a feel. If we already know what you are working with, it makes going for it a little less exciting.

They’re kind of rapey. It would be a crime if you whipped it out on some unsuspecting woman in person, so what makes this any better? There may not be an immediate sense of danger,  but there is the whole concept of show now, rape later.

We aren’t as visual. Relationship guru Patti Stanger says, women fall in love between their ears, not their eyes. At the end of the day, we just aren’t as visual as you when it comes to sex.

Because other people could see them. Even with a password protected phone, there comes a time when you’re showing someone pictures and they scroll too far. Those people are jerks, but we’re embarrassed nonetheless. And if your recipient has an iPhone 6+ you are basically showing the entire bar your life-sized schlong.

They tell us what you really want. We know you want sex and you want it now, but when a seemingly innocent conversation gets invaded by Snapchats, we know that that’s all that you want.

They’re all the same. Unless they’re abnormally small or unpleasantly large, they all look the same. Unless, of course, they have some weird markings. If that’s the case, it’s probably best you show us with the lights out.

They don’t turn us on. And if you think they do turn us on, then you don’t know what turns us on, and this could be a big problem down the road.

They’re out of context. Of course you took it from 100 different angles to accentuate it. Unless you have it laid out across a ruler (please, no), we have no idea the proportions you are actually working with on your zoomed in, Photoshopped image.

Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby. Until it’s actually in front of us and we can do something with it, it doesn’t exist.

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