I Don’t Care How Hot You Are — If You Send Me A Picture of Your Penis, You WILL Be Blocked

Two words can take me from “interested in you” to “not in a million years would I date you”: penis pics. I don’t care how gorgeous and interesting you (or your penis) are — I’m not interested in seeing your junk on my phone under any circumstances. If you send me one, don’t expect to hear from me again.

  1. They’re not attractive. The naked male body is an attractive sight, but an up-close picture of someone’s junk isn’t. It looks really weird and it’s just a part of biology at the end of the day, like a knee or an elbow. It’s not something sexy in and of itself, so please keep your genitals in your pants and your camera away from them.
  2. I’m more interested in what the penis is attached to. Okay, so you have a large penis — who cares? I’m actually more interested in who you are and what the rest of you looks like. A gorgeous smile trumps a penis every time in my book. It sounds corny but it’s totally true.
  3. Penis selfies make you seem self-centred. If you feel proud about the size and appearance of your penis and want to show me, you come across as a guy who thinks too much of himself. I mean, why go around sending such private pics, assuming everyone wants to see? Ugh. Get over yourself.
  4. You’re boring. Sorry, but if you’re sending penis pics, you’re boring. You either can’t have a real conversation or you have nothing more interesting to show, like pictures from an amazing time in your life. Anyone can send a penis pic, but not everyone can be an interesting conversationalist. And yes, that’s so much more important than seeing your penis.
  5. It kills the mystery. I don’t want to see a man’s penis until we’re in a solid relationship and I’m seeing it in real life. I don’t need to know what it looks like, all veiny and gross, before we’ve even started dating. That’s just weird. It also sucks the mystery and shows me you’re just keen to hurry up and get some action.
  6. You’re trying way too hard. Is it just me or do a lot of penis pics look heavily styled? Some even look like they’ve had a round in Photoshop. If you’re going to that much effort to look like you have the most amazing penis in the world, you’re actually taking and sending the penis pic for your own pleasure. It’s not about me at all.
  7. It makes you seem creepy. If you’re so quick to send out penis shots, chances are you’ve done this before. I’m not going to believe the story that I’m the first one who made you want to be so naughty or made you so horny. Please, man. And FYI: sending out recycled penis pics is so gross. Don’t. Just don’t.
  8. A great penis is still just a penis. Even if your penis pic is hot, at the end of the day, it’s just a picture of a good-looking penis. I might think,”Damn, that’s a nice penis” but that’s it. You get five seconds of awe and nothing more. Your penis isn’t going to save the world or make hilarious jokes, and it definitely won’t make me see you as more of a man.
  9. I’d rather get a suit pic. A man dressed up in a suit and looking sexy AF does for women what lingerie shots do for men. Yeah, they’re a real turn-on. Honestly, I’d rather see you in a well-tailored suit that leaves something to the imagination than see your junk lying around.
  10. I can’t help but question your motives. Why the penis pic, anyway? Are you just keen to show off and get some affirmation, or are you bored AF on a Saturday night and looking for a naughty chat? If it’s the latter, be a little more creative, FFS. Put in a bit of effort, like by writing up a sexy text. I’m much more stimulated by words and my imagination than hardcore images.
  11. Even if you ask first, it’s still wrong. I know that unsolicited penis pics are the worst. But if you first ask if you can send a penis pic, it’s still dodgy. Receiving a “Hey, can I send you a picture?” or “Do you want to see me naked?” text is so awkward. No matter how it’s phrased, the question always comes across as desperate. It’s like you’re walking around with a hard-on all day, asking women if they want to see your penis. That’s the texting version of flashing. It’s creepy AF.
  12. It brings pressure to the party. If you send a penis pic, that often means that you’re hoping to receive a naked selfie in return. So it immediately puts pressure on a budding relationship. In the past, when I’ve not returned a sexy selfie, I’ve felt like such a prude even though I’m not one. Once, I even had to endure an annoying conversation in which the guy tried to convince me to send a pic for an hour. FML. Thanks for killing the mood, jerk. No, I don’t want to date you anymore.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.