I used to think that my ideal partner would be tall, dark and handsome but these days I prefer my company supersized, greasy and tasty AF. I’ve been in the dating game for a while now and have come to the conclusion that no man can make me feel the same way as a cheeseburger and fries. Move over, gentleman—there’s a new golden boy in town and I’m not in the mood for sharing.
- It’s called comfort food for a reason. Let’s face it—I’m not the first person to have turned to food in times of need. Whether you’re in a (mostly) happy relationship or single AF, food will be there for you if you let it in. Having a rough day? Ben and Jerry’s will be your men for the evening. Feeling unloved? Hostess will make everything better. And we’ve all had one affair too many with Ronald McDonald.
- Food is there for me whenever I need it. When I ring my local takeout spot, I don’t sit on the end of the line biting my nails, wondering if they’ll pick up. When I go to the store and head to the confectionary aisle, I’m certain the Snickers will be there waiting for me. Food will never disappoint me, try and sneak out early or cancel on me last minute. It’s the most reliable relationship I’ve ever been in.
- Food will always be full of variety. Seeing the same old face day in, day out can be dull—it’s why so many of us are drawn back to the single life. With food, I know I’ll never have this problem. Sweet, savory, healthy, fatty, salty, sour—there’s a taste to match my every whim and the combinations are endless. No man will ever be able to match the variety that food offers me.
- Food would never intentionally hurt me. Unlike my last boyfriend, food isn’t always scheming to satisfy itself. Food is a giver and would never do anything to hurt me (mainly because it’s inanimate). Okay, we’ve all had those nights after two or three too many chicken nuggets when we’ve struggled to lie still or felt the painful after-effects of finishing that family-sized box of chocolates, but when food hurts me, I know I’ve really only got my greediness to blame.
- Food is so damn tempting. Anyone who says they haven’t looked at a slice of cheesecake with as much love as they’ve looked at a human is lying. For me, food is infinitely more irresistible than a guy, and the satisfaction tends to last a lot longer.
- Chocolate cake is a sensual experience that no man can rival. Forget candlelit dinners—one-to-one time with your favorite food is a romantic experience to be savored all by yourself. From the first delicious bite into a moist chocolate cake to the intense creaminess of the filling and licking the last delicate crumbs from my fingers—a slice of this chocolatey heaven has a good deal more to offer me than any man.
- I can’t survive without food. If I end up single all my life, I’m pretty sure I’ll survive. Take food out of the equation, though, and things look considerably bleaker. I literally cannot live without food, which is why it makes a far more important right-hand man.
- Food brings people closer together. How many times have you fallen out with your family or best friend over a date? While the men of the nation are busy creating divisions and breaking hearts, food is busy working its butt off to bring people closer together. Nothing heals wounds and builds friendships like a shared love of food, and the heartwarming process of cooking a meal to share with loved ones can’t be beaten. When I’m in a relationship, I end up isolated from my friends and family. With food, I’m closer to them than ever before.
- Food makes me feel good about myself. When I focus on eating the right foods and occasionally treating myself to my favorites, I couldn’t feel better about myself. Rather than wait for a guy to compliment me or give me a cuddle, I can choose the foods that give me energy, clear up my skin or feel like an edible hug.
- A guy that makes me choose between him and food will always lose. Nothing gets me raging quicker than a guy who feels it’s okay to make comments about my food choices. Whether I’m dieting or eating what I want, it’s no one’s business but my own. Food will always have a special place in my heart, and any guy who tries to get between us is fighting a losing battle. Sorry boys, but you just can’t give me what food can.
