The Idea That You’ll “Just Know” You’ve Found The Right Guy Is Ridiculous

You meet a great guy and wonder if he could be “The One.” People around you say, “You’ll just know that he is.” Um, what? That’s total BS and can actually backfire on your relationship bliss. Here’s why.

It pumps up the pressure. If you think that you’ve got to somehow guess that the guy’s right for you, it can make you feel pressured to have things figured out. Relax and take your time to get to know the guy and how he makes you feel so you know if he’s worth it or not.

You put expectations on everyone. If you go into a relationship thinking you “just know” your new boyfriend is who you should be with, it might make you come across as clingy AF while putting loads of expectations on the relationship that shouldn’t be there. It’s like you’re suffocating the relationship, trying to force it to be something that it might not actually be. Geez.

You go with the flow, which is bad. On the other hand, you might think that there’s some sort of mystical force at play that tells you you’re with the right guy. Get real! Things won’t just work out because you think they’re meant to. You have to see what’s happening at every phase of your relationship to be sure it’s right for you.

You blind yourself. What if the guy you’re with is actually really bad for you? If you’re so focused on why he has to be The One, you could blind yourself to his fatal flaws. Which means, you waste your time and energy on a guy who’s not worth an ounce of either.

You forget your needs. Get into the mindset that you’ve got to make things work ’cause you “just know” the guy’s right for you and you might be shoving your needs under the carpet. Those needs can change as you grow and discover things about your relationship. If you’re not paying attention to them, you could totally miss out on being in a satisfying relationship. So, don’t just focus on your positive feelings—concentrate on where you’re at and be flexible to change when you need it.

You get ahead of yourself. If you think you’ll just know that someone’s the right boyfriend, without really feeling them out, you could fool yourself into thinking you’re soulmates. Sure, you might be, but how would you ever really know that? There are people who are married for 30 years and then get divorced and realize they’re not actually meant to be together. There are also people who are soulmates even though they’re only meant to be together for a really short time. Don’t mess up a perfectly good relationship with airy-fairy ideas that just trip you up and prevent you from living in the present, and being where you’re supposed to be.

You forget about hard work. Great relationships aren’t these things that just drop into your lap. You have to work hard at making them work, even when you’re dating Mr. Perfect. When you both put in lots of effort, that’s when you get to see if you’re on the same page or not.

You ignore your standards. “But I love him” is a statement you might make when you excuse your boyfriend’s bad behavior or when you see signs that your relationship’s not hunky-dory. You might think that you need to concentrate on your love to make things work, but there are much more important things, like your standards. Don’t diss them just to have the guy. If you have to do that, he’s the wrong guy and no amount of love will magically transform him into Mr. Right.

You don’t get to know him deeply. See the guy for who he really is, and in different situations so that you can be sure if he’s right for you. That means, seeing him with his family, with his friends, at work, with your friends, on holiday, when he’s drunk, when he’s had a rough day, and so on. There’s so much to learn about someone. Putting them into the “I just know you’re perfect for me” box right away is crazy AF. He’s got to show you evidence that he belongs in there.

You’re in a fairytale state of mind. Sure, you want the fairytale relationship where the honeymoon phase lasts forever. But don’t kid yourself. Love is great and makes you feel like you’re on top of the world, but you have to throw in a spoonful of reality. Things won’t just work out, and love doesn’t always win, and you don’t instantly know that someone’s right for you. And that’s okay! You can have fairytale moments, but don’t expect them to last forever. If you do, you’ll screw up the realistic, messy, but beautiful, relationship you can have. You don’t know where this journey will take you, but that’s where the fun lies.

You miss out on “wrong” but amazing men. Worrying so much about getting the right feeling that someone’s your match can make you miss out on guys who don’t give you those tingles but who have something really beautiful to give you. What about the cute guy at the office who seems really sweet but who isn’t your usual type? What if he turns out to be your dream guy? Don’t limit yourself by thinking love has to feel or be a certain way.

You think you can “swipe right” on real life but you can’t. Your gut instinct worked when you swiped right on Tinder and met a cool guy but in real life, even your gut can fail you simply because it can’t know the full picture of someone right away. You might want that instant gratification and rush, but that’s only real in the movies. You’ve got to live through the highs and lows, the drama and bliss, to really know a relationship. But that’s much more rewarding.

That feeling can be created. Have you ever connected with someone so madly, it made all your previous attractions seem boring and pale by comparison? It’s an amazing feeling, but it can be created. Hear me out. The guy could just be trying to con you by making it seem like you’re a perfect match, only to show you his real, ugly self months later. So take that “just knowing” feeling with a pinch (or two) of salt. At the end of the day, it’s just a feeling and you need more than that before you give someone your heart.

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