I’ve Had A Lot Of Sex But I’ve Never Had An Orgasm

I’ve had plenty of sex in my time and thoroughly enjoyed most of it, but no matter how good the guy was in bed, I’ve never actually had an orgasm. I faked my way through it in several relationships until I finally just admitted it wasn’t going to happen. I hope I’m not doomed forever but I’m starting to think I might be…

I’ve tried and failed one too many times. When I approach sex now, I pretty much go into the act thinking it’s just not going to happen, so I don’t even bother trying. I still get pleasure out of helping my guy finish and that’s gotten to be enough for me. I just figure I’m doomed to be one of those women that will never get there unless it’s on my own.

I stress too much about having an orgasm and lose focus. There were times where I really did want to try my damnedest to get there and when I zoned in on getting to the finish line, I ended up being completely being out of the moment and my partner noticed it. It makes sex more of a chore than an actual intimate moment between two people. Ugh.

I worried my partner would think he was the problem so I started faking it. Just like women, guys have a complex about orgasms—though theirs seems to lie with worried their lady won’t finish. I hate that kind of pressure so much that I eventually just started faking it just to avoid the anxiety. I know it’s wrong, but the guilt took over and it was the only way to make it so my guy didn’t take anything personally.

Maybe I have a weak vagina? Apparently, there’s something about doing Kegel exercises that apparently helps you get there. It makes sense: your body performs better and has more stamina when it’s in shape, right? Well, same goes with your vag. Doing some exercises can help in this department and as tedious as it sounds, it’s probably worth a shot if I want a shot at having an orgasm.

Besides that, I’m going to try to get up and get moving more often. Sitting all day like I do can actually have an effect on pelvic muscles, which can eventually lead to weakness or numbness down below. This is super common—most people have jobs where they sit at desks all day and it’s not something most really think will affect their sex lives. I sure didn’t. It’s probably a good idea to stand up once in a while and walk around, not only for my sexual health but my mental health too.

It might be a side effect of the medication I take. I do take medication for anxiety and one of the first things that my doctor told me is that it could affect my ability to climax. Since I already hadn’t been able to, I didn’t really see it as a problem until I was with someone I fell in love with and wanted to experience that connection together. Since I can’t get off my meds, I just know I’m going to have to work harder and both of us will need to be patient.

I need to hold off on the wine before sex. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and honestly makes things more fun but it can limit the ability to orgasm for both parties. I’m not going to say no to a night of drunken sex if the opportunity presents itself but if I want a more connected moment in hopes of finishing, I’m going to skip the cocktails beforehand.

I make it adamant that foreplay is essential. I know a lot of times, quickies are super hot and a lot more convenient, but that’s not going to get me to the finish line. I have to be upfront with my guy and tell him what I like and what works for me when it comes to foreplay. I need to be as turned on as possible when we start to have sex so that I won’t have as hard of a time coming.

If he doesn’t know what he’s doing, I can’t be afraid to speak up. Sometimes the issue lies with the partner. I’ve learned that I have to be vocal if I want to enjoy sex and I can’t be afraid of saying something that may upset him. That’s why for me, sex is really good with someone I love and trust so that I’m not so worried about saying what I need. I know he’ll understand and be up for it.

Don’t get me wrong—even without an orgasm, I still really love sex. Not being able to finish isn’t going to stop me from having sex in my relationships. I’m sure orgasms make it better and I really hope to get there someday, but it’s the connection and the intimacy that makes it truly good for me.

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