9 Things My Girlfriend & I Learned From A Terrible Threesome

A few months ago, my girlfriend and I decided that it would be fun to have a threesome. Since we’re both bisexual, group sex with a dude seemed like a great option for us, and hooking up with a guy meant that the possible positions were endless. After it was all said and done, however, we would have been better off just sticking with our strap-on. Here’s what we learned from our awful experience.

It may take a while to shop around. We spent several weeks on various social media platforms, scrolling through our lists of Facebook friends and Instagram followers, trying to decide who would be a good fit. There were a lot of factors to consider—was he cute? Did he live nearby? Did we know anyone who’d slept with him before and what kind of reviews would they give his performance? We were surprised at the amount of time that passed between us deciding to have a threesome and finally finding the guy to have it with.

Don’t make assumptions about what they’ll be like in bed. When we finally settled on one of my girlfriend’s friends, we thought we’d made a perfect choice: he was cute, he lived about an hour away, and best of all, he had had several girlfriends. We were sure that he would know what he was doing even if he’d never had a threesome before. Unfortunately, after a night that left us sore and pretty unsatisfied, we realized that someone’s looks or past relationship history aren’t always a clear indication of what they’ll be like in a group sex setting.

Don’t have too much to drink. Thankfully, this isn’t a lesson that we had to learn the hard way. Although C and I were plenty nervous, we decided to each stick to one glass of wine each. Honestly, having that drink was more so to have something to fidget with rather than to get us buzzed; we wanted to go into the hookup with clear heads. Although the rest of the night didn’t quite turn out like we’d hoped, it also wasn’t made worse by flailing limbs and hangovers in the morning.

Be prepared to get things started yourself. We assumed that, once the guy arrived, the night’s festivities would commence pretty quickly. Yet as time passed and we all continued to make small talk, things definitely started to feel a little awkward. I was a bit confused and also slightly annoyed—we all knew what we were there to do, after all. When he left the room for a moment, my partner and I had to come up with a plan on the spot in order to make sure that some clothes would start coming off at some point. We learned that you can’t rely on the threesome to start on its own—you may need to have some moves in place in order to get the ball rolling.

Don’t be afraid to use your words.Unfortunately, once we got into bed, things started to go downhill. The guy simply lacked any sort of finesse or awareness of how women’s bodies operate. He fingered my girlfriend with what I imagine he thought was enthusiasm but what I recognized as sheer ignorance, and he actually used his teeth while he was going down on me. In hindsight, both of us wish we would have just stopped him and let him know that we didn’t like what he was doing.

Use lube, then use some more. He didn’t seem to realize that my girlfriend and I, like pretty much every woman on the planet, needed some foreplay to warm up. We especially needed a lot of foreplay that night since we were both fairly nervous (we were having a threesome, after all) and as a result, we were having a harder time than usual getting wet. Lube would definitely have come in handy.

Make sure you pleasure your partner. At a certain point, we realized that we were nowhere close to being properly warmed up or even remotely turned on. We came to an unspoken agreement that if we wanted to have a good time, we were just going to have to focus on one another. Although the guy was still there, we managed to maneuver him into a position where he could just watch us please one another, which was a win for everyone.

Have an escape plan in place. Once we eventually came to the conclusion that this threesome had been a total bust, we had to come up with a way to get the guy to leave my girlfriend’s apartment. There were a lot of hesitant mentions of made-up plans in the morning since we hadn’t considered that we may not want him to stay the whole night. It is definitely a better idea to have a plan in place in case things go south so that you and your partner have an agreed-upon way to halt the threesome and, if necessary, get the person to head out.

If it goes horribly, just laugh about it. Of course we were disappointed at first—after all, our first threesome had been pretty far from the fun and sexy time that we imagined it would be. To add insult to injury, we were both terribly sore the next morning. We walked around comically bowlegged, every step we took a reminder of what a horrible time we had had the night before. Eventually, we just had to laugh about it, which definitely helped. If a threesome doesn’t go the way you planned, be prepared to laugh it off. At the end of the day, it was a night that brought us closer, and we have a great story to tell our friends.

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