If you’re not single by choice, you might be frustrated with the length of time it’s taking to find your person. That’s understandable—it’s human to crave companionship and to want to share your life with a partner. However, if not finding “The One” is getting you down, it may be because you’re thinking about it the wrong way.
The idea that you’re “destined” to be with one person is all wrong. At least according to research published in Personal Relationships. Having a “destiny mindset” means holding the belief that there’s one person out there who’s perfect for you and who you’re meant to be with. Because of this, you’re likely to develop ideas about what that person should look/be like, and this can seriously hold you back in the love department.
All or nothing is a bad way to look at things. Those who have a “destiny mindset” are said to be very black and white. Either they’re in the most perfect relationship ever because they’re with the person they believe to be their soulmate or they find their partner so lacking when it comes to meeting the ideal they had in their head that they’re miserable, even if they could technically have a great relationship. Are you guilty of this?
You become less receptive to possible connections. When you have an idea of “The One” in your head, chances are you won’t entertain anyone who doesn’t possess every characteristic on your lengthy checklist. This means you could miss out on some amazing people all because of some arbitrary idea in your head of what your “One” needs to look like. Is it any wonder you’re getting frustrated? You’re turning away perfectly good partners!
It’s all about the “growth relationship mindset.” People with this outlook tend to fare way better in love since they allow their beliefs and expectations to change and evolve over time as the relationship continues. They’re less rigid in terms of expectations and requirements and while they still possess healthy boundaries, they also know that no relationship is perfect and it doesn’t have to be in order to be worth it.
The less rigid you are, the better your relationships will fare. People with the “growth relationship mindset” tend to be way more adept at handling the ups and downs that naturally come with long-term relationships, whether they be internal conflict or just general life troubles. They’re more likely to want to work towards resolving conflict and are more supportive of each partner’s personal development, which can only be a good thing.
So will you find “The One” or what? That depends—you’d need to loosen up your view of what “The One” looks like and understand that in fact, there are likely many “One”s out there for you. The sooner you realize that Prince (or Princess) Charming doesn’t exist, the closer you’ll be to finding them.
[H/T Psychology Today]
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