I’m Not Sure If I’ll Ever Want Kids, But If I Don’t Decide Soon I’ll Be Out Of Time

There are women who know that they definitely want kids and those who are certain they don’t. Then there are women like me — women who like kids but aren’t sure whether or not we want to become moms. I’m in my 30s now and time to decide if I want them or not is running out. Geez, talk about pressure.

My body won’t be young forever. They say it starts to get more difficult to have kids from the age of 30, so that’s a worry. Although I know women who have had kids in their 40s, that’s not actually something I’d want to do. It feels risky and it means that I’d be in my 60s when my kid is in his/her 2os. I’m also scared that if I do decide to have kids at a much later stage, my body won’t cooperate with me because of biological limitations. It’ll be screaming, “Hey, I was at your beck and call 10 years ago, idiot!”

I do have broody moments… but is that enough? I do have moments when I see a cute kid and think how lovely it would be to be his/her mother. Then there are other moments when I’m really happy that I don’t have kids, such as when I want to sleep in late on a Sunday morning. So I don’t know if I should err on the side of having kids “just in case” I later become much more broody, or choose not to have at all.

What if I’m not cut out to be a mom? Everyone waxes lyrical about motherhood, but it’s a REALLY tough job. What if it’s not for me? Will I ever know unless I take that leap? And, if I take that leap, what if I later regret it? Ugh. I’m afraid that I’ll regret having kids as much as not having them.

What if I can’t even have kids in the end? I think many of us take fertility for granted. We think we have so much time in which to have kids, but we don’t. What if something happens to me which makes having kids impossible, like a medical condition that strikes me out of the blue? I might think that my body’s raring to go, and it might be, but who knows what life will bring?

I like having options. I’ve always been the type of person who likes having a choice in life, even if I don’t end up utilizing most of the options available to me. Just knowing there are options at my disposal is comforting. The problem with motherhood is that it’s not a lifetime offer. It expires. Sooner or later I’ll have to choose it or decide not to — and live with that for the rest of my life.

It’s a huge commitment. I’m by no means afraid of commitment, but I AM afraid of having kids. They come along and change everything that’s been good and normal in life. That is f*cking terrifying. They’re a huge commitment that lasts forever. Maybe my great life is just not what I’m prepared to risk or throw on the back-burner in order to become a parent. I wish motherhood was the type of choice that could slot neatly into the rest of my life, but sadly it’s not.

I want what I can’t have. I need to ‘fess up here and admit that I always want what I can’t have. Sure, I might think it would be awesome to have kids, but that might just be because I don’t have them. It’s like I’m into the idea of them but not the actual kids. I know that if I don’t have kids, I’ll become broody AF when I can’t have them. Argh!

I’m told I’d be a wonderful mother. I’m patient, nurturing and kind, which has made loads of people tell me that I’d be a great mother. This might be true, which does make me think I should have kids. If I don’t have them, am I wasting skills? Am I like some talented tennis player who doesn’t want to play tennis and totally misses out on awesome experiences?

I know that having kids isn’t something that should “just happen.” I’ve always believed that making the choice to have kids needs to be something my partner and I decide to do. There’s no room for accidental pregnancies, thank you very much. I want to know that parenthood is something we both want and we’re not really on board with becoming parents right now. I worry we think we have time on our hands when we don’t.

My life is in order now. I always used to think that kids would be something I’d think about when my life was in order, like when my career was in a good place and I’d been in a relationship with an amazing man for a while. I have those things. My life feels pretty stable, and yet I’m not broody yet. Will I ever be?

I won’t do it for the wrong reasons. I’ve seen women have kids for the wrong reasons, like to save their marriages. Yeah, good luck with that. I refuse to bring children into this world for warped, selfish reasons. I just won’t. Maybe I need to find the right reason to have kids and that will make me want to have them.

I have to remember there are other options. So I might not have kids now or within the near future, but that doesn’t mean I need to remain childless forever. Come on, there are other alternatives that could become appealing. I could freeze my eggs or adopt kids — I’m really not obsessed with thinking that my kids need to be my biological ones. I might even want to be a great aunt instead of having my own kids, which would be totally cool. Why am I stressing about it now?

I know I can have a full life regardless of whether or not I have kids. Ultimately, no matter what happens, I’ll be happy in my life. Whether I’m a mom or not, I’ll have a life that gives me meaning and makes me feel good. I know that I don’t need to have kids in order to reach a sense fulfillment or happiness. There are many ways to have a full, fabulous life, and the decision to become a parent (or not) won’t be the only thing that defines me.

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