Make no mistake: There’s a distinct difference between paranoia and intuition. When we ladies know, we know, so don’t ignore your gut feeling on this. I’m afraid that when these 10 things start happening, you’re right to suspect that something is up with your guy. Chances are, he has another girlfriend. Trust me — I know from experience.
- You reach couple status with actions but not words. You’ve had major wins with your dude lately. He’s invited you over to his place, he calls you regularly, and you’ve even gotten chocolate or flowers from him. I mean, this could not scream leveled up from the talking stage anymore, right? Except when you bring up a title or even the word “relationship,” he instantly recoils in horror like you woke him up from his sleep wearing an IT mask. Why act coupled up then seem so confused by the conversation? If no one else is in the picture, it shouldn’t be a problem to admit you’re his.
- He starts offering unsolicited alibis. You didn’t ask what his plans were this week. Yet=t for some reason, he’s very insistent on telling you. He wants to account for how he’ll be preoccupied the next few days in exact detail. Oversharing by volunteering excess info can be a sign of telling straight-up lies. He wants you to know where he says he’ll be. This way, you won’t question the absent time away from you. Time that he’s really spending with another woman — his other girlfriend.
- He doesn’t respond to you until the next day. Unless you know he regularly goes to bed early, it’s majorly sketchy if you hit up your guy in the evening and don’t get a response until the next morning. Especially if he offers a typical cop-out excuse like, “Oh, I didn’t see your message” or “I must have fallen asleep.” Even worse is if he doesn’t even acknowledge the silence and keeps it pushing with an evasive, “Good morning, beautiful!” like nothing happened and he magically can’t see your unanswered text above that message. He probably just didn’t want her to catch him on his phone talking to you.
- He won’t introduce you to his circle. I get not wanting to bring every new girl you’re dating around your friends and family, but hiding in the bushes away from the crew can only go on so long. Integrating lives is part of the natural progression in relationships and if he’s trying to keep you separate I would start to wonder if you really are the main lady in his life or are falling right into place as an unknowing side piece and this is so not cool.
- He claims he’s “against PDA.” I hate to break it to ya, sir, but there are eyes everywhere. Traffic cameras see you two out together and even your phone apps might be listening in on your convos. What’s the deal with the attempted secrecy then when you get dropped off from or picked up for a date? Who’s watching that you don’t want to form a conclusive opinion about the nature of us being together? Short of a full-on sexual act, if it can be done behind closed doors not sure what the difference is outside.
- Other women are openly talking to him. You ever think a man is your guy alone but then see other females obviously flirting with him out in the open? Maybe he does something harmless like changes his profile pic on social media or makes a new post. Nothing wrong with that until you see a chick feeling bold enough to react to everything and even leave flirtatious comments. Um, excuse me? She clearly cannot be all to blame because he must be giving off “free agent” vibes and soaking in all the attention for other women to think that’s OK to do.
- He’s inconsistent with his flirting and charm. Let’s say one day you text him when you know he’s at work. You’re trying to be coy and seductive to set the mood for later when you know you’re gonna see him. He’s all into it and even sneaks a few naughty pics under his desk to send you a sneak peek of what you’re going to experience that night. Another day you try this tactic again when he’s supposedly home or just out and about, but the response is flat. Hello, am I talking to the same person? The difference could be at work you’ve got his attention since he’s alone, but when he’s with her he’s got to play off his texts and keep his cool. That means no joining along with your sexting role play. He’s got to keep it impersonal and short to maintain a poker face with his other girl.
- He has unexplained charges on his card. Depending on where he went, this one can certainly raise some red flags. For instance, if he goes to the bar with his buddies, a high tab can be attributed to who knows how many drinks he got that night. But if he’s spending $50 on a random lunch at Panera, I would have some questions. Last I checked, alcohol wasn’t on the menu and even with a smoothie. I’d like to know who else’s mouth was fed as well.
- He deep cleans his place out the blue. If you’re regularly over his place and have seen it looking lived in, this can be considered a questionable move. I’m not talking a routine spring cleaning or even Saturday afternoon pick-up. More like, you were literally just there and then within hours, it looks oddly renewed. Was this really an innocent clean. Or, was it more like a cover-up for what he hid? Could have also been a by-product of combing through in search of a tossed condom wrapper.
- He’s less frequently in the mood. You wouldn’t think of a woman getting turned down in the bedroom by a man, but it does happen. If this wasn’t the case before and just started happening, I’d be wary of where his needs are already being met.
Why I didn’t really care when I discovered my boyfriend had another girlfriend
All of these signs aren’t just anecdotal — I recognized many of them in my own relationship. However, once I confirmed my suspicions, I found I really wasn’t all that bothered. I recognize that this won’t be everyone’s reaction to this kind of betrayal. However, here’s why it doesn’t really bother me.
- He’s young and immature. I can already hear the groans, but hear me out. Guys need to sow their wild oats, so to speak—and so do some women! That’s fine by me; I’m not going to ditch a great guy because he’s acting like the twentysomething he is. My boyfriend may be having sex with someone else, but I believe that’s all it is. He’s young and I know he’ll grow out of it.
- He’s introduced me to his friends and co-workers. Now, any player will tell you that this is a serious no-go, especially when it comes to co-workers. Friends can be convinced to lie, but co-workers don’t have the same kind of loyalty. This tells me that I’m the central woman in my boyfriend’s life and that he sees a future with me. That’s what matters.
- He constantly texts me throughout the day. I love this because it tells me he’s thinking of me. We’ve been together for over six months and he still does it. When he’s texting me, he’s not texting her. At this point, I honestly think she’s just someone he sees when he wants to feel young and reckless. I’m the one he’s thinking about when he’s in his right mind.
- He genuinely gets upset when we fight. I know this sounds weird, but I’ve had several conversations with girlfriends that were cheated on and eventually dumped. One of the most prominent signs that things were going downhill was that their boyfriends stopped caring. Their fights weren’t full of emotion. The guys would basically just not give a damn and let things run their course. Pretty soon, the relationship would end. My boyfriend and I fight about things that matter. It’s a sign that we’re both invested in this and that we want it to work.
- He’s pretty much the perfect boyfriend. Other than this one thing, my boyfriend does everything right. We have excellent communication, fun sex, and we’re each other’s best friends. Why should I throw that away because I found out about something that he does in his spare time? Many women in happy marriages that have gone the distance will tell you that it’s not always a bed of roses. I feel like this other woman is a small thorn in our otherwise happy life. I’m not going to throw away the 95% percent that’s right because of a missing 5%.
- He switches off his phone when he comes home. I love this about him. It tells me that he doesn’t want his side chick infringing on our special time. My boyfriend and I have great talks every evening and we make love a few times a week. Having that constant attention is great. It’s just one more thing that tells me he’s committed to me.
- He talks about the future with me. I’m not talking about pillow talk here. We’ve had proper, in the daylight conversations about what our future might look like. My boyfriend mentioned that he’s willing to move for my job if need be and that he doesn’t care what gender our kids are. I’d sooner take his word over his side chick’s—who, by the way, must be feeling neglected for her to message me.
- He tells his friends how happy he is with me. Now, this I heard through a girlfriend who’s dating a guy in my boyfriend’s circle. My boyfriend is happy with me, which is all that matters. While I may not fully understand what he’s doing with this other woman, that has no bearing on my current situation. He’s happy with me and I am with him. That was true before I found out about the other woman and it’s true now.
- He never cancels our plans. This is a biggie for me. Again, my girlfriends that have been cheated on and dumped mentioned that canceling plans is a sure sign a man is out of the door. My boyfriend never cancels our plans, which means that whatever he does with this other woman works around our schedule. Whenever the weekend comes around, he says, “We can do whatever you want to do, babe.” I’m not giving that up for someone that won’t be here in six months!
- He’s serious about me. My boyfriend spends time with my family. This is a pretty big deal for him because he’s a pretty traditional guy. I can’t imagine a guy spending so much time with the family of a girl that he doesn’t see a future with. My family isn’t wealthy or anything, so there aren’t any benefits to be gained. My boyfriend may have a girl on the side, but I know that he and I are solid. He proves it to me every day. Do I wish she’d go away? Sure—my boyfriend is cheating, after all. However, I feel like she’ll disappear on her own. In the meantime, I’m living my best life with the one guy that makes me happy.