10 Signs He’s Not Making Your Relationship Toxic — You Are

Toxic guys tend to be pretty easy to spot if you’re highly attuned to good boyfriend behavior. What’s harder to recognize is patterns and traits YOU might be exhibiting that make you not only a bad partner but a downright destructive one. Here are 10 signs you’re the toxic one in your relationship:

  1. You judge your guy’s friends & try to drive a wedge between them. Your boyfriend loves and is incredibly loyal to his friends. They’re his support system and he needs them as much as you need yours. It’s not your place to judge. Frankly, it doesn’t matter one iota what you think of his besties — you need to keep your mouth shut. Constantly complaining about them or trying to convince your boyfriend that they’re terrible friends is completely inappropriate. Unless they’re doing something illegal or life-threatening, stay out of it.
  2. You have no problem “speaking your mind.” There’s a difference between being honest and being purposely hurtful. If you can’t distinguish between the two, you need a reality check. Constantly telling your guy home truths about himself or his life is likely to leave a bad taste in his mouth, and who could blame him? Whether you mean it to be or not, this is just plain toxic and manipulative.
  3. You get mad when he doesn’t do or say what you want. The words “boyfriend” and “servant” have very little in common, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. If you naively think that the title of “girlfriend” gives you the right to rule his world, you’re sadly mistaken. You might be together, but you’re both individuals and you don’t control him.
  4. You’ve asked him to cut contact with his exes. No matter how messy the breakup, we all learn and take things from our exes. They’re as much a part of us as our friends and family. Asking your guy to cut contact is controlling. If you’re not secure enough to let him stay in touch with his past, you’re the one with issues… not him. Obviously if he’s spending more time with her than you or lying about their relationship, that’s one thing. Otherwise, if he’s with you, realize that it’s for a reason.
  5. You get ridiculously jealous when he talks to other women. Men and women talk. They do it all the time. Your boyfriend will talk to women at work, at the post office, at parties… It’s not a big deal unless you make it into one. If you can’t trust your guy to make chit-chat with a lady without accidentally getting her pregnant, you need to chill TF out. Telling him who he can and can’t talk to isn’t your place.
  6. You check his phone when he leaves the room. Your guy’s been acting “shady” because he’s constantly on his phone, so the moment he heads to the bathroom, you pounce. It’s time to see what he’s up to, right? STOP! Your boyfriend is entitled to privacy just the same as you. Robbing him of that isn’t just rude, it’s a little bit crazy. Think before you act!
  7. You question him about who he’s messaging! Once you’ve spied that he’s chatting to someone on his phone, you’re like a dog with a bone. You just won’t stop asking him about it. You won’t let it lie and no matter how much he protests, you won’t give up. You’re sure he’s guilty of something, you’re just not sure what yet.
  8. You make him ask before he can go and hang out with his friends. Does your guy ask you before he hangs out with his friends? If the answer is yes, it might not just be that he’s polite AF. It could be that you make him feel like his time is not his own! If he feels as though you’re the one in control, it’s likely your problem, not his.
  9. You expect him to bend over backward for you. There’s a difference between asking your guy for things and just plain expecting them. If you think your guy should move mountains just to give you what you want, your sense of perspective is pretty screwed up. Relationships are a two-way street if they’re going to last. Compromise is necessary from both sides, not just his.
  10. You take, take, take, but give nothing back. Are you a drain on your boyfriend? Are you a financial drain? An emotional drain? You might say no, but really think about it. If you’re taking way more than you’re giving, something’s messed up here. Beware: You could be toxic without even knowing it. And, trust me, that BS just does not fly.
Charlotte is a freelance writer who's addicted to binge-watching TV, drinking far too much coffee, and writing articles.