10 Things Guys Need To Stop Asking Us To Do When Making Love

Guys, we don’t want you to keep bugging us about certain things in the bedroom. Even though we love you, we aren’t going to do whatever you want, whenever you want. We don’t exist to please you. That’s why we’d love it if you would stop asking us to do these things.

  1. Make obnoxious noises. Newsflash: the women you watch in those videos online aren’t enjoying themselves as much as they’re letting on. We’re not going to fake our screams like they do because we don’t want to wake up the neighbors.
  2. Go deeper when using our mouths. We don’t mind going downtown—unless you decide to push our heads back and forth as if we don’t have a gag reflex. We don’t want to choke, and you don’t want vomit all over you.
  3. Announce when we peak. If we come, you’re going to know it. If you can’t tell if it happened or not, then you should just assume that it didn’t.
  4. Talk dirty. This has to happen organically, in the spur of the moment. If you straight up tell us to do it, we probably won’t be able to think of anything to say that doesn’t sound ridiculous.
  5. Try the back door approach. Some women love it, yes, but some women are disgusted by the thought of it. If we keep turning down your offer to explore our backsides, then don’t keep asking us if we want to finally try it.
  6. Touch ourselves. If we want to touch ourselves in the middle of love-making, we’ll do it without being ordered to. You shouldn’t be asking us to do it for you just because you’re too lazy to do it yourself.
  7. Let you finish on us. Maybe we’ll let you finish on our chest if you’ve been extra attentive lately, but we never want to get that sticky stuff in our hair because it’ll ruin our entire hairdo.
  8. Get into ridiculous positions. It doesn’t matter what you’ve seen in the movies. Most of us can’t bend our legs behind our heads, so don’t ask us to get into some unrealistic position that you think will be hot.
  9. Make love without protection. Don’t shame us for wanting to remain childless and STD-free. You should be happy you’re with someone responsible.
  10. Be perfectly shaved. Don’t expect us to remove every single hair before we sleep with you. If we weren’t in the mood to shave but are in the mood to sleep with you, you shouldn’t be complaining.
Holly Riordan is a writer from Long Island, New York who has authored several science fiction and horror books. A graduate of Stony Brook University, she has spent nearly a decade writing for publications including Thought Catalog, Huffington Post, Teen Vogue, and more. You can find her on Instagram @hollyrio and Twitter @hollyyrio.