10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Have Kids

Last year, I turned 27 — the age my mom was when she had me. Obviously things have changed a bit in the past couple of decades and a lot of women are waiting until later to have kids, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be waiting forever. I don’t actually want kids — in fact, I’d way rather do these things instead:

Spend my money on myself. I’m not exactly rolling in cash over here, but I have enough to get by. The very last thing I want to do is spend thousands (literally thousands upon thousands) every year on another human being. I know it sounds selfish. It’s selfish as hell, actually, but I don’t care. I’d rather use my money as I please than have it drained by a vomiting, pooping mini-me.

Travel the world — or at least most of it. I’ve done most of the continents, but there’s still so much to see. Traveling the world is one of the few pure pleasures we have in life and I’m sure as hell not gonna give it up for the sake of a child. If I had a baby, he or she would become my number one priority. I don’t do things by halves. That would mean bye-bye Asia, Australia, and Europe — see you all next lifetime. No thanks to that!

Really get to know my boyfriend. I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years now and yeah, I love the hell outta the guy. Still, I’ve seen him change a ton over that time and I’ve likely done the same. It’s natural. The person he is now is a million miles away from the one he was when I feel for him. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Personally, I can’t wait to truly get to know the him that he is five years from now, and five years from that, and so on. If we’re parents, I’m scared that we will lose the core of the relationship and become just Mommy and Daddy. That’s the last thing I want.

Start saving for my retirement. We all know that retirement’s gonna be tough. Make no mistake — we’re absolutely screwed unless we start saving right about now, though yesterday would have been better. When it comes to spare cash, I want to make sure it’s going to my retirement, not to a child. I think that seems fair, don’t you?

Write a book. I feel a little stupid admitting this, but I want to write a book. I’m actually embarrassed that I’ve put it out there, but it’s the truth. Here’s the thing — I’ve harbored this, the most cliched of desires, for way too long now. If I’m ever gonna put pen to paper, though, I can’t have a kid latched onto my arm. We can’t all be J. K. Rowling, if you know what I mean.

Sleep until noon every weekend. If I could design the perfect life, I’d sleep until noon every Saturday and Sunday. I’d get up after that, drink a coffee, watch some trashy TV, and then get on with the day. Of course, that’s not always possible since people sometimes want to do things before the middle of the day. Still, you can always say no to people — you can’t say no to your own kids when they want to get up at… *gasp*… 7am.

Work whenever or wherever I want. I write for a living — it’s honestly all I’ve ever wanted and I’ve worked hard enough and have been lucky enough to get it. I’m not saying that having a child would mean I’d have to be a full-time mommy (oh, how I loathe that phrase), but it would definitely hinder my career. I’d need to take time off, focus on raising a child and make as much free time as possible. I’m not down for that at all, sorry.

Drink as much (or as little) as I please. I don’t want to get hammered every weekend, but nor do I want a life where the babysitter’s schedule dictates mine. I have to be able to get out there and get a drink whenever I so please. That’s not so much to ask, right? If I decide to head to a bar at 9.30pm on a Tuesday night, there’s nothing stopping me.

Figure out where my life’s headed. Right now, all I have to consider is where my life is going: what I plan to do with my career, where I want to live, who I want to hang out with, and so on. If I had a child, I’d suddenly have to factor a whole other being into all of my plans. I need the space and solitude to figure out where I want to be — being a parent would simply screw that up.

Get a ton of cats. I honestly don’t give a single damn if I end up being a cat lady for the rest of my life. I currently have one gorgeous little feline in my home and I would love about 10 more (if I had a mansion, of course). I have just about mastered the art of being a cat mommy, but I’m not quite ready to drop a word there. Now, where’s the nearest cat shelter again?

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