They make jokes about women being fit to join the FBI and it’s funny because it’s true. While I know I shouldn’t stalk his ex, I admit that I have—and I’m here to dish all the sneaky (and sometimes just misguided) ways I’ve gotten her information.
- I know her height, weight, and measurements. It’s a little hard to not want to know this information when your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is stacked. It’s hard to stop yourself from asking what her measurements are and how you stack up. Incidentally, she posted a new workout she found online on her Instagram account. The workout seemed pretty individualized, so I Googled the website. Sure enough, you log in and enter your stats. Members of the website make profiles and connect with other members. All it took was making myself a fake profile, searching a couple of key terms to find her username, and voila! There she was—all 143 pounds of her. It’s not a moment I’m proud of, but there you have it.
- I know her clothing sizes and styles. If you Google her email address, a website pops up with a profile of hers. It’s a website for selling used clothing, shoes, and accessories. She’s sold jeans, tops, and dresses, not to mention bras, swimsuits, and lingerie (yuck—who buys used lingerie?). I now know her clothing style (a bit outdated, if you ask me) and her bra size (I’m a little jealous). I know that we wear the same size shoes and that she owns pants in a lot of different sizes. (I mean, who doesn’t, right?) Don’t ask me why I was Googling her email address, but you can find out lots of information this way. This wasn’t what I expected to find, but whatever.
- I know when she gets in fights with her boyfriend and what they fight about. Since her Instagram account and a lot of her Facebook is public, I can see every time they block, add, or delete each other. I can also see what quotes she likes and comments on and speculate as to how they pertain to her current relationship. Sometimes she even posts quotes and rants on her pages. This is one I don’t feel too bad about since it’s pretty public knowledge.
- I know exactly how she felt when my boyfriend broke up with her. Her Instagram around that time is full of quotes, pictures, and full on paragraphs about what happened between them and how it made her feel. Not to mention the hashtags: does #screwyou #youruinedmylife #Ihatemyex #singlegirlnow and #heartbroken paint a picture for you? It does for me.
- I know some of her medical information. I know that she struggled with HPV for a bit when she and my boyfriend were dating. I know this only because he told me because he was worried that if he had it from her, he could pass it along to me. Luckily, I’ve been vaccinated and I get regular pap smears but I did tell my OB-GYN this information just in case. She said it shouldn’t be anything to worry about and we should keep going with our regular check-ups as usual. Whew!
- I know what she looks like naked. This one I really didn’t intend on discovering. We found my boyfriend’s old laptop in his garage a while back. This thing was a dinosaur and we didn’t think it would even turn on but it did! We decided to clear out some files to see if we could make it go faster, so he started by deleting a bunch of pictures. Obviously he wanted to keep some pictures, so we went through them and there were some of her… naked. He immediately deleted them and I actually feel kind of bad having seen them. Whoops.
- I know what the inside of her house looks like. I swear I haven’t been inside! I just, you know, look at her pictures. She posts a lot of pictures on social media. She keeps her place clean and nice but the carpet could use some updating.
- I know the names of all of her ex-boyfriends. She keeps a pretty detailed history on her “life events” section of her Facebook page. Since every relationship she’s been in has been posted publicly on Facebook, I can see a nicely laid out list of who she’s dated. I’m not sure if she even realizes this is a thing but it is.
- I know that she’s moved on. I know she’s moved on from thinking about my boyfriend by the tone of her posts and her new relationship. That gives me a little peace of mind, knowing I can move on from thinking about her too.