I’m a firm believer in talking dirty in bed. It’s fun, exciting, totally arousing, and really enhances the experience. It’s also just another form of communication, which all intimacy needs, but the type of communication that’s more about hot stuff than the responsible stuff. Of course you want to communicate about birth control and protection, but then once the clothes are off, you want to get down to the good stuff.
But the thing with talking dirty is that, although it’s a total blast especially once you get the hang of it, there is a “right” and “wrong” way to do it. I don’t mean to give anyone a complex, but the reality is that when you’re in the midst of talking dirty with your partner, there’s just some things you shouldn’t mention. Here are those things you should never say during dirty talk in bed.
- Don’t be a parrot. Even if what your partner just said is super hot so your brain goes into the direction of, “I want to say that, too,” just don’t do it. You want to have a dirty dialogue not someone giving up the dirty goods while you repeat what they just said. If you’re so inspired by what they had to say, then tweak it a bit.
- Keep all mentions of babies out of it.Before a friend of mine and her husband even started thinking about how having kids (they now have two), it was during one dirty talk session that, after her husband said he wanted to fill her with his come, she replied, “Fill me with your come! Put a baby in there.” At the time, she wasn’t even thinking about having a baby (she honestly thought she was being hot), but that’s what she said. His response was to promptly jump out of bed, scared to death, as she apologized profusely.
- Limit food references. Yes, in an ideal world food and intimacy should go hand-in-hand, but that doesn’t mean your dirty talk is the best place for it. For example, “You’re pounding me so hard with your big, fat pickle,” or sausage, zucchini, or whatever else you happen to be craving, can not only be distracting, but make you both hungry.
- Don’t be too sweet. As much as I don’t like the term “making love,” I do know that there’s a difference between that and screwing. Of course you can f*ck the person you love, but when you make love it’s just, well, different and honestly has no place for dirty talk. So lay off being to gentle with your words when talking dirty; you want to get your partner hot and bothered, not prep them for a romantic tryst in a bubble bath surrounded by candles.
- Keep bodily fluids out of it. Unless you now that your partner is into water sports or blood (which I imagine vampires are), the only bodily fluids that you should be mentioning should be related to ejaculation, male or female. You don’t want to tell your partner that you want to make them come while you piss all over them, because if that’s not their scene things will get awkward real fast.
- Don’t even think about bringing up your ex. Picture it: You’re lying there with your partner on top and they’re going down on you or sleeping with you, and you say mid-dirty talk, “Oh yes! F*ck me harder than [ex’s name]! I want to come with your cock inside me harder than he ever made me come.” Um, yikes.
- Try not to be too freaky. Kinky and freaky can be really great! But only if you’re on the same page. If you start whispering in your partner’s ear that you want to see them tied up, bound, and pegged by the guy who lives next door, the mood will be ruined, especially if your partner has zero desire to give pegging a whirl.
- Don’t make weird body references. As much as I hate to use the word “weird” in regards to intimacy, an ex from college made some weird, or rather interesting comments about his body during dirty talk one night. How interesting? “Look at my muscles; they’re so big. See how I use them to pull myself deeper into you….” This went on for few minutes until I finally had to tell him that looking at his muscles wasn’t doing for it for me, and neither was his dirty talk choice.
- Avoid creating totally out-there scenarios. The thing with talking dirty is you want to stay in the moment. Of course coming up with scenarios is really attractive but you don’t want to create a scenario that’s too complicated and takes place on Mars in 2090 or something. You want to keep it at least somewhat tangible in nature. Dirty talk shouldn’t involve having to think so much about what you’ll be wearing on Mars in 2090 and how many vaginas we will have developed by then.
- Any and every sort of pun should be saved for any other time. I love puns. I’d talk (and write) in only puns if I could. But puns, whether they’re funny or just so bad that they end up being funny, ruin the mood. So keep the dirty talk free of puns. You’ll have so many other opportunities in life to use them.