10 Things Only Coffee Addicts Will Understand

10 Things Only Coffee Addicts Will Understand ©iStock/hoozone

My favorite shirt proudly proclaims my life motto: “Okay, but coffee first.” My favorite scene in a TV show is when a waiter thinks Lorelai Gilmore’s enthusiastic “coffee coffee coffee” means she’s ordering three cups. Are you sensing a theme here? I’m pretty obsessed with coffee. We all need a morning pick-me-up, but those of us who rely on our morning caffeine are a special breed. Here are 10 things women who are serious coffee addicts know to be true:

  1. You go to bed dreaming of that glorious first cup. Sounds weird, but if you’re a fellow obsessive, you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes you even wish you could just fast-forward to 7 am when you wake up and have your first cup of the day in your hands. Sleep is so boring in comparison.
  2. You can’t start your day without it. OK, you know you’re not going to die if you don’t drink coffee until noon, but it definitely feels that way. Your routine just doesn’t feel normal if you don’t get some caffeine in your system as soon as possible. The idea that someone shouldn’t talk to you until you’ve had your coffee isn’t a joke, greeting card, or poster to you – it’s the honest truth.
  3. You don’t get that one friend who only drinks tea. You love your friend, you really do. She’s always there for you and you can’t imagine life without her. But seriously, how can she survive on only tea? Who are these strange people who favor tea instead of caffeine-filled goodness? How is herbal or even black tea a possible substitute? I highly distrust people who claim they hate coffee (who hates coffee?). I can’t even drink tea because I feel like I’m cheating on coffee.
  4. Seeing coffee out in the wild is like the holy grail. Picture this: you stumble out of bed at the crack of dawn on the way to an appointment/conference/workshop/meeting. You’re rushing so much to get to the place on time that you don’t have time to make coffee (gasp) or even pick up your usual Starbucks (double gasp). You’re practically despondent… until you arrive at the conference and see a coffee station set up in the far corner. It’s like seeing the holy grail with a golden halo around it. The same goes if you’re at the doctor or dentist and then remember that there’s a Starbucks you can walk by/drive up to on your way home. Suddenly everything is OK again.
  5. Weak coffee makes you insane. There is literally nothing worse than trying a new café, whether in the place you live or a foreign city, and taking your first sip… only to discover that this cup is seriously weak. It’s like drinking water. If you could sue for something as silly as that, you totally would. You’re not even kidding. Life is hard enough — you don’t need to drink weak coffee, too.
  6. You don’t mind coffee dates. Sure, coffee dates are a nice, low-key alternative to going out for drinks with a stranger… but that’s not why you like them. You would much rather meet a new person (who may or may not be the love of your life) while drinking your all-time favorite beverage. Coffee over wine, any day (or night).
  7. You honestly wish you could get an I.V. You can’t count the number of times you’ve wanted an I.V. with caffeine in it. That’s the dream. But you would still drink the stuff, of course.
  8. You drink your coffee black. Or straight up, like a serious whiskey drinker takes their favorite liquor. No cream, milk or sugar for you. No way. That would dilute the taste of delicious coffee, and who would do that?
  9. You laugh at the idea of quitting coffee. Sorry, you don’t believe that green juice is the new coffee, and you definitely don’t think that you would feel super amazing if you traded your #1 vice for a breakfast smoothie. Nope. You may be completely addicted to your morning Starbucks, but it’s not like you’re binge-drinking tequila every morning. You bargain with yourself on a regular basis about all the things you could be addicted to but aren’t. At the end of the day, you’d rather be obsessed with caffeine than shopping or gambling. At least you have less debt.
  10. You hate that coffee anxiety is a thing. As any coffee devotee knows, there’s a certain point when just one cup (or even two) just doesn’t cut it anymore. You feel like you’ve barely even had any caffeine… so you drink more and more. Unfortunately, too much Starbucks can give you the serious shakes, and that’s one annoying side-effect. And no, don’t tell me to switch to decaf. As if.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.