Our first date went fine and when the check came, he insisted on paying for our dinner even though I whipped out my credit card ready to go dutch. I thought he was just being nice but later that night when I thanked him and said goodnight after he dropped me off, he wanted to know why I wasn’t inviting him up since he paid for our date. Uh, what? I was totally flabberghasted and made a hasty exit but here’s what I wish I’d said:
- You’re a douchebag. You’re an absolute a-hole. You’re not a good person and you suck. We had one meal. I didn’t send any flirty let’s-have-sex-after-this signals and I’m not sure how you drew the conclusion that sex is what I wanted tonight. I didn’t even give you a peck on the cheek after I got out of your car. You’re a presumptuous jerk.
- You’re so disrespectful. You told me that you wanted to get to know me better over a casual meal and drinks! We barely know each other. You obviously don’t understand the meaning of respect if you treat someone that you just met like they’re only good for sex.
- Where are your manners? Last time I checked, you can’t just invite yourself into someone’s home. Paying for my meal doesn’t automatically create an invitation into my private space, and especially not my bed. If you were raised with manners, you would’ve waited for me to invite you in, which I did not. Instead of getting upset about it, you should have accepted my decision and just moved on. It’s just sleazy AF.
- My goods are worth so much more than a mediocre $13 sandwich. You took me to dinner at a sports bar! I had a chicken caesar wrap with mushy sweet potato fries. It wasn’t even that good. If you’re trying to woo a girl, take me to a steakhouse next, will ya? Maybe then I’ll consider giving you a hug after our date because even that you’re not entitled to, dude.
- You don’t get a prize for picking up a bar tab, especially not sex. Congrats! You did a polite yet sexist thing by denying me the opportunity to split our tab. That’s not heroic. You don’t deserve a cookie for being a decent human being (or so it would seem). Furthermore, that cookie would definitely never come in the form of sex or whatever you thought was going to happen if you came up to my apartment.
- I spent this entire date contemplating whether I want to sleep with you and turns out, I don’t. Dude, I spent about two hours sitting across from you and in those two hours, I realized that you talk a lot (about yourself), you have horrible taste in bars, you drink way too much and you’re not as hot as the photo on your Tinder profile suggests. Plus, I’m too tired to have anyone up in my apartment tonight. I have clothes everywhere, my bathroom is a mess, I haven’t taken out the trash and I’m really trying to go to bed.
- Until right now, I actually considered going out with you again. Despite all of the conclusions I drew about you tonight, I wanted to give you another chance. Maybe I was being crabby today but when you insinuated that my meal = you in my bed, you completely ruined that idea.
- Honestly, I’m way hotter than you. Honestly, I am. Call me a bitch, but I don’t sleep with guys on the first date who aren’t as hot as me. And even then, I don’t really sleep with guys on the first date.
- Lose my number forever and always. Can I have your phone? May I delete it for you? Forget this night ever existed because I’m going to forget that you ever existed. I’m going to delete your number, our Tinder match, and block any and all social media requests that you make to me in the next 24 hours.
- If you were only looking to get off, buy yourself some take out and whip it out at home. Honestly dude, if you were looking for dinner and sex, you should have just ordered some Chinese and whipped it out for a solo session. I was never going to have sex with you tonight.
