If you’re single, people tend to assume a lot of things about you. They think you do what you want, when you want — and maybe that’s true, but it certainly doesn’t mean you do whom you want. When you’re fresh out of a relationship, flirting and hooking up might be fun, but after a while, the frequency of that tends to slow down to the point of non-existence. When you finally do have some romantic prospects again, things are a little… awkward, to say the least.
- Sexting gives you anxiety. You used to be a master of getting sexy over text with a new guy, but now you struggle enough with picking the best emoji, let alone assembling actual words to imply dirty talk. When you do make the attempt, it comes across as extremely sarcastic or so corny that it’s almost a dad joke.
- You pick underwear purely for comfort. Your collection of racy delicates has remained pristine because you rarely wear them. You care more about elasticity, fabric and fun prints than being bothered to match a bra to your black lace boy shorts. Who are you kidding? You even own cartoon prints now.
- You easily relate to the high school nerd in movies. This one time at band camp… Only there’s no flute, and no camp. The band is actually just Taylor Swift songs on repeat.
- You’re way too conscious of your bedroom sounds. When you actually do have sex, you actually wonder if the noises you’re making are normal. Was that moan too loud? Does it sound fake? Am I faking it? Am I actually enjoying this? Do I sound like a sex star, or a baby goat?
- The first kiss is always painful. You aren’t sure when to stop. If you stop too soon, will he think you aren’t into him? If you don’t, will that lead to sex? That’s what always seems to happen in all the sex online you’ve watched in the absence of your physical sex life.
- Flirting is a foreign concept. Your idea of smooth moves has gone from from coy smiles and gestures to join you at the bar for witty banter to “so, do you like potatoes?”
- You Google “how to” articles. How to flirt? How to kiss on a first date? How to sound sexy in the bedroom? How to sext? How to stop being so awkward?
- You plan your sexual escapades in advance. Because grooming and preparing for coming out of hibernation is a very real process. You used to be prepared all the time,, until you realized how much work it was constantly shaving and waxing your legs and lady parts in the colder months, only to remain action-free. So you said “screw it” all together and opted for an organized sex life. How very spontaneous.
- Netflix and chill means exactly that. It also usually includes a glass of wine with reindeer pajamas.
- You cringe at the past. This is probably the number one reason for your sexual awkwardness. You’ve either made a horrible bedroom mistake in your past, or had a terrible partner at some point. You would rather spare yourself the shame than try again. We promise it does get better, but just like that awkward first time when you lost your virginity, it takes time.
