Sick of thinking you’ve found the perfect guy, only to realize that you aren’t connecting in bed? Join the club. The problem is, he’s not a mind reader, and women’s bodies are a little more complicated than he realizes. You’ll never get what you want unless you help the poor guy. Here are a few ways to get started.
- Ask for it! I mean, really. So often we’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or assume that if he’s the right guy he’ll magically know what you need. Real life doesn’t work that way. Tell him what you want, what you don’t want, what makes you tick. Trust me, if he’s actually the right guy, he’ll be glad to know.
- Be vocal about what you like. If he does something right, be appreciative. Cheer him on. If you don’t give positive feedback, he won’t know to keep doing it! If you only tell him what you don’t like, he’ll get discouraged. You don’t have to sit down and get all deep with it – being vocal can include grunts, moans, and dirty talk. Whatever works!
- Open up about your desires. This is uncomfortable ground for many of us, but bottom line is… to get it, you have to talk about it. Sex, like everything else, is all about communication. This is obviously easier if you’re in a relationship and have developed trust. On the other hand, if it’s casual, you can get a little freaky and not worry that it’ll affect your non-existent partnership.
- Also, be receptive to his desires. It’s a two-way street. The more open you are to trying new things that he’s interested in, the more eager he’ll be to reciprocate. If he isn’t, then stop wasting your time! He’s just a bad sex partner.
- Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable. No means no, girl. I’m serious. I myself have put myself into bad sexual situations and done stuff that I wasn’t into, and guess what? I didn’t miraculously enjoy it. Been there, done that, no more. Being vocal also means being honest about what you will and won’t do. Don’t cave to bullying or manipulation. Get rid of that creepy loser.
- Listen to your instincts. Just like in any relationship, you can have a healthy or unhealthy sexual connection. Go with what feels right to you, deep down in your gut. If you aren’t enjoying yourself, if you feel unsafe, or if there’s any power play that isn’t just that – play – you should get out. Life’s too short for bad sex.
- Don’t settle for a lazy partner. This is my absolute worst pet peeve. You’re sleeping with someone and a couple months in he suddenly stops making any effort whatsoever. No, I don’t want to do all the work while you lie there, thank you very much. If you want a piece of this, you’ve got to try for it. Just because I started sleeping with you doesn’t mean I won’t stop just as abruptly. Byeeeee.
- Unleash your inner freak. Don’t be afraid to explore new and titillating territory. If you’re sleeping with someone, you should damn well be able to open up to him on what excites you. If he makes fun of you or shames you for it in any way, he doesn’t deserve to be getting off with you. Find someone who wants to play, have fun, and experiment instead.
- Communicate communicate communicate! I can’t say it enough. You’re never ever going to get what you want if you don’t talk about it. I mean, that’s not entirely true – you could somehow find a unicorn who just knows – but it’s not likely. The best guy in the world could still use some guidance. And please, please please…if you absolutely hate something, TELL HIM. Not only are you enduring the unpleasantness, you aren’t doing him any favors! Would you want to keep on doing something sexually with someone that he secretly hates? No, I didn’t think so.
- If he’s not listening, walk on outta there. Communication has to go both ways. If he isn’t taking your feedback, doesn’t get what you want, or just doesn’t care, it’s time to go. Don’t waste your precious life. There are plenty of guys who will be eager and willing to work with you. Now get out there and have some great sex already!
