We never know how lucky we are to have someone until they’re gone. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but I’m a damn good girlfriend. Every single one of my exes has hit me up post-breakup at one point or another, and they all tell me how much they miss having me around. Prepare to join their ranks because your life is going to seriously suck now that I’m not in it.
It’ll suck to not have someone who cares about you so deeply.
Genuine kindness and compassion are perhaps the best qualities anyone could ever have in my book. I’m super caring towards all my boyfriends — some can’t even believe that there’s a girl who would listen to their worries and thoughts objectively like a therapist and then make them food. There’ll be no more chicken soup and medication when you’re sick or picking you up from the gym when you sprain a muscle. It’s time to take care of yourself.
You’ll go hungry without any more of my amazingly delicious cooking.
You’d better learn how to do more than operating the microwave if you want to eat well now that I’m gone. I like to spoil my boyfriends, so I always have a meal ready. Mom taught me that the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach and this is as true now as it was back in the ’70s. Pizza’s delicious, but you’ll get sick of it after a few weeks. Good luck with that.
It’s going to take forever to find someone as good in bed as me.
That’s not because I’m a sexual goddess or anything, but because I took the time to figure out what you liked and I did it well for you. Human nature is selfish — we care about our own pleasure most. Don’t expect your next girl to put in the time to reenact your bedroom fantasies like I did. I give it a week tops before you start wanting me back.
You’ve lost a friend.
Building a friendship within the relationship is super important. Although I try to remain friends with all of my exes, it’s never the same. Sure, we can meet for coffee a few times after we break up, but it’ll most likely be awkward. Don’t expect me to remain your best friend after we split up. It won’t be genuine and faking it is something I can’t do.
No one will give you the frank, unedited truth like me.
I like to keep it 100 percent real from the first date, and that’s not the norm. Usually, we women present ourselves in a different light according to whatever’s appropriate for the situation. I’ve always been honest about my thoughts, feelings, and intentions in relationships. You’ve never had to wonder whether what I say is what I really think. It’s gonna suck to have to deal with someone new who plays mind games. Good luck to you.
I’m keeping my friends.
Ex-boyfriends of mine have sometimes grown so accustomed to hanging out with my crew that they try to hit up my friends after we split. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. I’m loyal to my friends and they treat me the same way. They’ll always take my side even if they did like you. It’ll suck to have to lose friends, but that’s what happens after you let me go. You’re gonna have to build a new social life, dude.
Your life will be dull without me.
Spontaneity is my thing. I might call you up at midnight and tell you to meet me someplace without any explanation, then I’ll take you to a secret spot overlooking the entire city and whip out a bottle of wine. How many women do that? Have fun living the dull life without me.
No more amazing overseas trips.
As a travel writer and photographer, I’m always on the go somewhere. When I date a guy, he’s more than welcome to tag along. Dating me had you flying to Greece one week and Malta the next, all my treat. Now that I’m gone, you’ll likely be sitting at home on your couch, thinking how good you had it. You may travel with your next girlfriend, but it probably won’t be quite the same adventure as it was with me.
There’ll be no one to encourage your ambitions.
Achieving your goals in life is as important to me as achieving my own. I always encourage and support boyfriends in whatever they want to do. I don’t care if you’re starting a business or trying to be a rodeo clown. If I’m into you, I’ll support you. It’s really going to sting not having that encouragement in your life after I’m gone.
You’ll miss arguing with me.
Arguing is a part of every relationship — yes, even a good one. The key here is to know how to do it well because your relationship will never work out if you can’t argue like adults. You’ll be surprised to see how many immature girls there out there, but I wasn’t one of them. You’re gonna miss me big time.
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