Immediately after a breakup, your brain goes down a dark road: Will I ever love again? Was that my last relationship? Will my vagina just close up shop in preparation of never getting laid again? But once you’ve been single long enough, you just sort of shrug it all off and say, “What-the-fuck-ever.” While what constitutes “a long time” is different for everybody, one thing is for sure: you’ll stop giving a fuck about being single eventually, and it’s going to be amazing. Here are 11 fucks you stop giving when you’ve been single a long time:
- Giving a fuck about being set up with someone. Although you may have spent your early single days pleading with your friends to set you up, after a while, you couldn’t give less of a fuck — not just because you’re all maxed out on being set up by every single person you know, but you’ve come to realize that your friends have zero clue as to who’s a great fit for you and who isn’t.
- Giving a fuck about keeping your Tinder profile photo recent. You may have had that one successful date, but every other one has been the pits, so staying on top of your Tinder profile photo just seems silly. Besides, despite it being three years, you look pretty much the same. Kinda.
- Giving a fuck about shaving. When you’ve been single for long enough, so long in fact that you’re pretty sure you’re on your way to becoming a born again virgin, the hair on your legs starts to rival the hair on your head in length. If society says women should be hairless individuals for the sake of our partners, but you have no partner, shaving falls so far down on the list of priorities that you could braid your leg hair. Don’t even get me started on the pubic hair sitch.
- Giving a fuck about dressing to impress. A woman on the prowl is always dressed to the nines, because you never know when you’re going to meet the love of your life at Starbucks. But if you’re one of those people who has been single for awhile, you’re over dressing to impress. Hey, if you meet your soulmate and they don’t dig your sweatpants, then you wouldn’t want to fucking date them anyway.
- Giving a fuck about competing with your ex. If you can honestly tell me that after the breakup you didn’t have an obsessive need to end up better off in life than your ex, then you’re lying. But you know you’ve been single a long time when you don’t give a fuck about competition anymore. Your ex could be starring in the next Star Wars movie and you wouldn’t give a fuck.
- Giving a fuck about being down on singles. While there may have been a point where you tread lightly when it came to singles, now you just let your wrath rain down on all of them. It’s not that you’re jealous, you’ve just been single long enough to know that love is a joke.
- Giving a fuck about rolling solo. Whereas you may have once dreaded doing things alone, when you’ve been single long and have had to do everything by yourself and for yourself, it stops being such a big event. So when that new restaurant opens that you really want to go to, you can just show up with a book or your phone as your security blanket. Or say fuck it and leave the security blanket at home.
- Giving a fuck about the fact that everyone you know is in a couple. Who are all these coupled-up people, and why the fuck do they think you want to be invited to their stupid wedding? Have you not expressed a 100 times how much you hate weddings?!
- Giving a fuck about your ever-growing dildo collection. From vibrators to dildos to butt plugs to nipple clamps to whatever the hell else gets you off, you’re done giving a fuck about anyone and everyone knowing about your goody drawer that has gone from a few toys to a couple dozen.
- Giving a fuck about being single. When many of us go through a breakup, after we’ve pulled ourselves from our bed because we’ve cried all the tears we can cry, your initial reaction is to go out there, into the world, where the singles are. But after a long time, you couldn’t care less. I mean, do you really want to put yourself through a 60-minute beauty routine when there’s no guarantees?
- Giving a fuck about what people think. You’re single – so fucking what? Yes, there will be those who will pity you, accuse you of being too picky, wonder how long it’s been since you were properly screwed, and all the other crap that comes with being a single woman in this society, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what they think. In other words, you’re fresh out of fucks to give. Fresh out of them, I tell you!
