11 Qualities Of A Selfless Lover Everyone Should Aspire To Have

Being in bed with a selfless lover, especially after a string of sh-tty ones, is like getting a gallon of water after you’ve wandered the desert aimlessly for miles. Everyone deserves a partner that will be responsive to their needs, so don’t settle until you find one! Want to know what qualities to look for in a selfless lover? Or, maybe you need more pointers on how to become more generous in bed? Here’s our advice.

  1. They ask you what gets you off. They never assume that what they’re doing is what you want. They might even have a conversation with you about it before you even get into bed with them. Sure, the movies make spontaneity look sexier, but what’s the point if what they’re doing isn’t a turn-on for you? If they’re focused on your pleasure, you scored a good one.
  2. They prioritize foreplay. No going in dry here, folks. A selfless lover will warm you up the way you want and listen to the signals you’re giving. They know that attentive foreplay is the gateway to fulfilling sex for both partners. A selfish one would never. So look forward to snuggling and letting that escalate to bigger and better things. Just don’t forget the lube.
  3. They make sure to do the positions you like, too. If you’re looking to try something new, you can expect an attentive lover to be enthusiastic about giving a position you like a try. That doesn’t mean they’ll want to do everything, but they’re always willing to listen to new ideas and consider them.
  4. They actually give a sh-t if you come. Ever been with someone who clearly only cared about whether or not they finished? And once they did, they ignored you for the rest of the night while you snuck your trusty vibrator under the covers? You’ll know you have a truly selfless lover when they ask you what they can do to help you out, even if they already got what they needed.
  5. They don’t pressure you into sex. Not feeling it tonight? They might suggest a cuddle session or ask you what you’d rather do instead. No more whiny, “Pllllleeeaasseee?” and badgering you into sex you’re not up for. If they sound like this, you’re seeing a giant toddler, not a person you want to be in bed with. Remember: blue balls aren’t your problem. A selfless partner will test the waters by asking you if you’re into what you’re doing or would be willing to hop into bed.
  6. They take care of themselves. Hygiene is important and can make or break a romantic evening. Even casual hookups should care that their teeth are brushed and their body is washed before engaging in sexy fun. It’s unlikely that you would want to shove your nose near parts and bits that smell bad, and you shouldn’t put up with it. A selfless lover doesn’t have to be asked and may even ask if you’re into certain fragrances to impress you.

How to be a selfless lover if you’re worried you might be too selfish in bed

  1. Ask your partner what you can do to make their experience more pleasurable. The simplest way to make your partner’s experience the best they’ve ever had is to ask what they want. Sure, spontaneity is sexy, but what happens when the activity you’re trying out isn’t their cup of tea? Take time and listen to what will give them pleasure.
  2. Reciprocate their efforts. No one wants a starfish (unless they’re into that sort of thing). Make sure you’re putting the same amount of effort your partner is putting into your pleasure. If you have a day where they are treating you and tell you to not lift a finger, schedule their own spoiling session for later. Mutual love and respect will flourish as a result.
  3. Respect their boundaries. No means no. Not a secret yes, not a maybe. No. If you can hear the word “no” without pleading or pressuring your partner into an activity (which everyone should), you’re doing exactly what you need to do for a healthy relationship and shows you’re committed to selflessness. Boundaries are essential for any type of relationship, especially in bed.
  4. You remember aftercare. Unless your partner isn’t into it, make certain that you provide any aftercare needed. Yes, even after kinkier activities. Anyone could use a little bit of aftercare, which can include cuddling, kind words, eating a snack, or watching something together.
  5. Show your appreciation for them outside of the bedroom. Kisses, hugs, compliments, anything that makes your partner feel like they are appreciated outside of the bedroom helps to enhance the bedroom experience. Find something genuine to talk with them about and make it part of your daily routine.
Sassy with a little bit of sweet, if you're lucky. Obsessed with MUA channels and astrology TikTok.
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