A lot can happen on a first date, and sometimes, it’s hard to process exactly how you feel after the check is paid and you’re home in your own bed (or someone else’s). To make it a bit easier to figure out whether or not I really want to see someone again, I make sure I always ask myself these questions to help myself unscramble my thoughts and feelings:
- How did the chemistry feel? Honestly, I can tell within the first few seconds of a date whether or not I have chemistry with someone. I’ve had too many experiences trying to make a relationship work when the spark wasn’t there from the start, so now I know that it just isn’t going to happen. Chemistry needs to be organic and visible early. This is usually a very easy question to answer!
- Were there any red flags? After too many years overlooking red flags and having them blow up in my face, I’m more quick to be honest with myself now. I have some deal breakers that really can’t be overlooked. For example, I’m a sober alcoholic, so if someone is a heavy drinker or uses drugs, there’s no way it’s going to work out. I recently was on a date and we stopped at his apartment. He had a bowl packed with weed on his nightstand. I knew then that it wasn’t a match!
- How was the conversation? How we converse with one another says a lot about how the communication is going to be. If I learn that we don’t have much to talk about or the other person is talking way too much, I’m probably not interested.
- Are we looking for the same level of commitment? I have no desire to wait to see if something turns into a relationship without asking first. I say right off the bat that I’m interested in pursuing dating that will turn into a long term relationship if I think we’re a match. If the other person is just looking for a casual fling, I won’t see them again. If they’re also looking for a LTR, I’m willing to go out with them again if all else goes well.
- Did I have fun? This is a huge question that I think can really be overlooked if I’m not careful. Sure, all of the nitty gritty details are important, but it’s also crucial to ask if I had a good time. First dates are supposed to be relaxing and fun. If I found myself frustrated, annoyed, or otherwise having a negative experience, it’s not likely that things will improve.
- How much did I laugh? I also consider if my date was laughing with me. Humor is really important; I use it as a tool to get through life, and I’m just a generally giggly person. It’s critical for me to have a partner who can also not take things so seriously all the time.
- Were they respectful? I’m really big on consent. As a trauma survivor, I sometimes freeze or panic when someone touches me without asking. I’m getting better about speaking up about what I need, but how someone treats me on a first date is very indicative of how they’re going to treat me when we get more physically intimate. I like someone who respects me and treats me with the kindness I deserve.
- Does this person have a life I feel I can fit into? I’ve had some clear-cut “no’s” when it comes to this question. I went on a date once with a guy who told me he was moving to Southeast Asia in a week. I was totally pissed that he was wasting my time! A less dramatic example is someone who goes to shows and concerts multiple times a week. If they’re looking for a partner to join them, I’m not going to be a fit because I go to bed super early and don’t like to mess with my sleep schedule. I like to take a practical look at how we’d fit into each other’s lives.
- Does it seem our values align? For many years, I thought I could make a relationship work with anyone. I would meet someone and decide we’d just give it a try. This is no longer how I approach dating. Instead, I’m cognizant of their values. I look out for them talking about having a healthy support system, a balanced life, and a solid self-care routine. We don’t have to have the same interests, but we do have to have similar values, as those are the driving forces of our lives.
- How do I feel about our textual chemistry? Some people don’t care so much about texting — I am not one of those people. I like a good deal of communication in between seeing one another. When someone takes a really long time to text back or the quality of their texts isn’t great, I flag this in my mind. Poor textual chemistry isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but it’s something to watch out for.
- Do I want to see this person again? This is actually the single most important question that I ask myself. Sometimes, I can’t get a clean read on how I feel, I want to give a pass to some red flags, or I’m just really attracted to the person. This question keeps me grounded in the present rather than floating away to thinking about the future. A simple yes or no allows me to take things date by date.
