Many couples who are going strong today have broken up in the past. This is a common pattern that usually results in happier, healthier relationships. However, if you’re thinking of getting back together with your ex, you’ll need to go into this conversation with a plan. Here are 11 questions to ask him before a reunion.
Have we given it enough time?
When considering getting back with an ex, timing is crucial. If you’re getting back together after only a week apart, the wounds are still fresh and neither of you has had enough time to think things over and reflect on the failed relationship. Try waiting about a month or more before re-committing to each other. It’s so important to have time as single individuals before diving back into life in a couple.
What did you learn from our breakup?
Breakups are often incredibly painful and it can be hard to see the point when the emotions are still high. However, given time, these moments can turn into valuable life lessons resulting in mutual understanding and maturity. Asking your ex how he interpreted your breakup and its causes is a great way to understand his values and needs in a relationship.
How have you changed?
Ask your ex what he learned about himself following the breakup. How have his opinions on relationships changed (or not)? How did he use this time apart to better himself? Post-breakup is the perfect time for self-improvement and two independent, self-aware individuals make for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Is there anything you’ve been wanting to say to me since the breakup?
If you ask this question, you need to prepare yourself for the honest truth. Allowing your ex to express himself in a safe, judgment-free context is key to moving forward. This is a good way to relieve any lingering suspicion, animosity, or other unpleasant sentiments that poison a relationship.
Is there anything I need to apologize for?
Like the previous question, this one puts you in a vulnerable position–which is what makes it so important. Put your ego aside and be prepared to apologize for anything you did wrong in the past and which might have your ex holding onto some resentment. Be direct and humble. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
What’s going to be different this time?
You know how the saying goes: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” If you’re going to get back with your ex, you shouldn’t expect or settle for the same relationship you two had before breaking up because that one didn’t work. The second time around should be different, as you both recognize what went wrong the first time. This includes improved communication, self-awareness, and attention to the other person.
What did you miss the most when we were broken up?
This is a good question to ask in order to gauge your ex’s opinion of you and your compatibility as partners. If his answer is “sex”, it’s not a relationship he’s looking for, but a hookup. He might not have recognized your value before but has since had time to reflect on the qualities and shared experiences that make you worth taking back.
Have you hooked up with someone else since we broke up?
While neither of you owes the other the juicy details, it’s a good idea to touch base about any partners–sexual or otherwise–you and your ex have had since you two broke up. This might be a clue into what was previously lacking in your relationship or even how your ex deals with complex emotions.
Do you trust me?
This is a hugely important question–especially if infidelity played a part in the breakup. If there’s any distrust between partners, the relationship won’t last long. Of course, you should expect your ex to ask this question, too. If he doesn’t, you have every right to respond to it anyway.
Why do you think this is a good idea?
Again, this is a good question to ask to evaluate your and your ex’s compatibility and to confirm he still has feelings for you. Why does he want to resume the relationship? Why do you? This is a chance to reflect on all of the positive qualities of your relationship and why you two make sense as a couple. This question can also help conclude this conversation on a high note, giving you both something to look forward to when you do get back together.
How (and when) should we tell our friends?
The last step of the getting back together process is making your new relationship public. Depending on how the breakup went down, his and your friends may or may not be thrilled to hear you two have reconciled. Make a game plan together as to how you’re going to break the news and be sure you’re both on the same page.
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