One minute you seem to be having a great time, your attraction is off-the-wall, you can’t keep your hands off each other, and you end up in bed together. The next, you’re trying to figure out what the hell happened because they’ve stopped returning your calls or replying to your messages. Your heart hurts, your ego is bruised. You feel rejected and disrespected and you’re questioning why they’d disappear on you like that. While it’s never okay, here are some of the reasons why people ghost after sex.
- They want to have their cake and eat it. They don’t want a real relationship with you. They can’t even afford you the basic decency of keeping in touch from time to time, but they don’t want to break things off completely either because they still want access to you. They want to be able to hit you up months later with a “hey, stranger” and give some sorry excuse for being gone, then get right back in your pants.
- They don’t really know what they want. Sometimes people ghost because they just don’t have their life or emotions figured out and they don’t want to drag you through their confusion. They’re not sure if it’s a good idea to keep pursuing you. They’re uncertain about what to do next or how to move the relationship forward. Maybe they’re insecure about the future or they have commitment issues that make them think it’s better to not try. It’s better to leave you before you leave them.
- You were moving faster than they were comfortable with. If you get way too invested or clingy, especially at the beginning of a relationship, it can scare people away. Maybe you began talking about falling in love and making future plans right after sex. Or maybe you called them too many times or sent a dozen intense texts after the hookup. If you’re doing too much right away, it can push people away before they have a chance to get comfortable around you.
- The sex was all they came for. Yes, it’s stupid and immature to pretend you want more from a person when all you really want is sex, but people keep doing it. Instead of being honest about their intentions, they just use you and discard you once their needs have been met. They never really cared about you. They were probably saying things you wanted to hear just to fool you into sleeping with them. Now that they’ve gotten that, they see no point in pretending anymore, so they ghost.
- They realized they didn’t like you like that. Not everyone you like will feel the same way about you. It doesn’t matter that you have an awesome personality or how incredible you look. If the chemistry isn’t there, it isn’t there. That’s okay. There’s nothing either of you can do about it. The really sucky thing is them choosing to leave you feeling lost and hurt instead of giving you this simple explanation.
- Their communication skills suck. I’m a very anxious person who hates confrontation. There have been times in the past when I felt like ghosting was easier than sharing my expectations or feelings about the other person, good or bad. It’s taken a lot of work to get past that and just come right out and tell people when I’m not feeling it. Some people are not there yet, so they keep choosing to disappear instead of communicating.
- You both want different things. Another reason people ghost after sex is that they’re not interested in getting into a relationship. If they already told you that ahead of time but you thought you could change their mind, that’s on you. But if they didn’t make their intentions clear, ghosting is just a continuation of their terrible behavior. They don’t want anything serious and they’re using silence and absence to communicate that.
- The sex was awful. Many people won’t have the courage to tell a lover that sex with them was bad. And most don’t have the patience to teach you the moves that work for them in the bedroom. It may not even be that you’re bad in bed. It could just be that you need your sexual chemistry needs some work. Or that you need to learn each other’s bodies. But to them, ghosting is just easier than going through all that.
- They’re seeing someone else. Maybe there was already someone else in the picture when you came along and things got serious after you had sex. Or maybe they sensed that you wanted more, but they were still holding out for the person that they like more. Or it could be that they met someone else after they hooked up with you and it just clicked with them. They couldn’t bring themselves to break up with you, so they quietly ghosted.
- They didn’t feel safe with you. The truth is, someone might ghost you because they got a sense that something just wasn’t right. They might have seen something they couldn’t get past when you were together. Maybe you said or did something aggressive, weird, or wrong that made them realize anything they build with you would be a toxic relationship. Sometimes, ghosting feels like the safest way out.
- They’re dealing with some personal stuff. Earlier in the year, I met this woman I really liked, we hooked up, and it was like the best thing ever. Then I went home and fell into a deep well of depression that I could not climb out of for months. I didn’t know how to unload that on someone who barely knew me. I stopped taking her calls or replying to her texts ’cause I couldn’t tell her the truth or face her in that state.
