11 Reasons Vibrators Make The Perfect Boyfriend

11 Reasons Vibrators Make The Perfect Boyfriend ©iStock/Tassii

You won’t settle for a mediocre relationship, and you certainly won’t settle for less than stellar sex, either. Thankfully, you don’t have to. You don’t need a man to get you off — what you really need is a really good vibrator. In fact, that little toy could just make the perfect boyfriend:

  1. You pick the size. When it comes to a vibrator, size is never a let down. It’s never too big or too small, and you don’t have to fake excitement at his tiny surprise. Mr. Vibrator is the exact size of perfect pleasure, every single time.
  2. You’re completely in control. You control how fast and how slow. You never have to go longer than you wish and you’re never left wanting more. The position, the timing, the mood is all up to you. At the end of the day, you’re in full control of your orgasm.
  3. Your vibrator is always in the mood… but it doesn’t act like a child when you’re not. Your vibrator never turns you down for sex, but you also never have to turn it down. While a man might annoy you with his constant need for physical attention, a vibrator never begs, because sex is always on your terms.
  4. Your vibrator is whoever you want it to be. You’re imagining a real life guy as you pleasure yourself, and guess what? Your vibrator doesn’t care. You can fantasize about this year’s sexiest man alive with no remorse, because this guilty pleasure is practically guilt-free.
  5. Your vibrator has no needs of its own. It never feels neglected, because it doesn’t have feelings. You don’t have to worry about its wants, needs, and happiness. The only thing your vibrator cares about is fulfilling your every desire.
  6. Your vibrator only relieves stress, it doesn’t cause it. The work it takes to be in a relationship can be stressful, but the relationship you have with your vibrator is nothing but relief. Even a healthy relationship with a man can have drama from time to time, and drama equals stress. Who’s always there to relieve that stress? That’s right, your vibrator is.
  7. Vibrators don’t cheat. There is one woman in your vibrator’s life, and that’s you. It’s the most exclusive relationship you’ll ever be in. Your vibrator has no fear of commitment. It’s ready for monogamy from day one.
  8. Vibrators don’t take up space in your bed. Your vibrator might have a certain dedicated spot in your nightstand, but it’s definitely not hogging your bed. When all is said and done, there is no cuddling with your favorite toy. It goes back where it belongs and you are free to sleep diagonally somehow filling the space of your entire queen size mattress.
  9. Vibrators bring pleasure, never pain. Emotionally, your vibrator is pretty dead inside, but physically, your vibrator feels more alive than an actual human being. When it comes to sex, guys can get a little eager, but you never have to worry about your vibrator pushing too soon or leaving you rubbed raw. A vibrator will never hurt you emotionally, and physically they’re only obeying you.
  10. Your vibrator only cares about getting you off. A vibrator has no selfish motives. You don’t have to worry about your vibrator reaching climax. The only orgasm that matters here is yours, so you can finally focus on getting the big “O” that a real life man could never give you.
  11. Vibrators don’t talk back. Intentionally or not, your vibrator will never hurt your feelings. Men could learn a thing or two (let’s be honest a hell of a lot more than two) from a vibrator. After all, fights with your vibrator are unheard of. And why is that? Well, because your vibrator never disagrees.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.