The 11 Stages Of Getting Dumped

You first know that things are going south when your S.O. starts pulling away. They used to send you Snapchats all damn day — now you’re lucky if you even get the dreaded “K” response. When you finally do get to see them, they’re acting all weird around you and it’s clear they’ve checked out. Half of you wants them to just grow the hell up and get it over with; the other half is desperately clinging on. Then finally they break up with you and you pretty much turn into a lunatic for the months that follow. Here’s what you go through:

You’re in utter disbelief.

Did that really just happen? You’re in a daze. People might be talking around you but you have no idea what’s going on. You might go on like this for a few days. It’s a while before you stop cruising down that river in Egypt and snap back to reality.

You cry and you cry and you cry.

You might put on a brave face until you talk to your BFF and then the floodgates open and then they just won’t close. You can’t sleep because every night your pillow is covered with your own tears. During the day you pray that your watery eyes won’t leak.

You have no idea what to do with yourself.

You know exactly what you want. Ultimately, you just want to feel better and return back to being your normal self from the hot mess that you’ve become, but you have no clue how to do that. What will make me feel better? A day holed up in bed? Watching a good comedy? Pints of ice cream? Pints of beer? Pints of vodka?

You listen to sad songs.

There’s nobody that understands you better right now than Joni Mitchell so you play her albums on repeat as you lament your lost love. Well, maybe there are a few more people that understand what you’re going through right now and that’s Toni Braxton and the guys from Boyz II Men.

You beg and plead with your now-ex.

It’s as though every ounce of your self-respect has gone out the window. You message your ex on the daily because they’ve stopped answering your calls. You find yourself saying things you never thought you would like the standard “I can change” and the shameful “I can’t live without you.”

You look for signs of what went wrong.

It’s like there’s a movie playing in your head as you rewind through all of your memories. You’re grasping for hints of the breakup that was to come. You’re cringing at all of the things you might have done badly.

You Facebook stalk your ex.

They post some pictures and you sink even further, thinking how great it is that they’re having such a nice time without you. And you wonder who that girl is that keeps popping up in your ex’s comments and how you want to kick them both in the shins.

You get drunk with your girls.

Your BFFs force you to get out of your sweats and wallowing self-pity for a night on the town. You feel better at first and you thank them and tell them you love them so much, because tequila. Inevitably you feel worse, because hangovers.

You drunk dial your ex.

It’s the mother of all sins but we all do it at some point. You have a few too many and write an essay to rival your college dissertation and send it to your ex despite your friends telling you that you will regret it in the morning. And you do.

You start to get angry.

This is an entirely new feeling for you to have in relation to your breakup. It’s weirdly refreshing. The anger is probably spurred on by your supporters who tell you that your ex was a total jerk wad anyway and you think, do you know what… you’re right.

You FINALLY come to terms with being dumped.

After all of the wondering what could have been and the weeping you finally start to feel better. But then your ex messages you out of pity or out of regret or out of being an ass-hole. And you’re like WTF!? No matter what their reason, it’s too late and you’re over it.

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