11 Ways Guys Ruin Sex For Women

I think we’ve all been guilty of ruining sex at some point in our lives. We get distracted, we lose interest, or we just weren’t in it to win it in the first place. But when you are in the mood, like really in the mood, and the person you’re with does something that immediately kills it, it’s like an arrow through the heart. There’s nothing quite like ruined sex to mess up your whole week, or even your whole month.

Although they may not mean it or even realize they’re doing it, sometimes guys ruin sex with their behavior, their lack of knowledge of the female anatomy, or by just not being completely present. They half-ass it or push things too far, and it just makes you wish you never answered their text. Not sure what I mean? Well, then you’re just blocking out some bits of your sexual past, I guess.

Here are 11 ways guys ruin sex for women.

  1. Pulling the “blue balls” card. While blue balls do exist (when the testicles get engorged with blood, but the guy doesn’t come), throwing out the blue balls card is actually just another way to pressure a woman into sex or some specific sexual act. If a guy claims he’s going to get blue balls because you don’t feel like going down on him, then he ruins it before you even really get started.
  2. Picking up the phone. Really? I mean, really? Picking up the phone to answer a call or text, or confirm that he just got another “like” on the photo he posted with his favorite Red Sox player during sex doesn’t just ruin sex, but it can ruin lots of things. When he’s with you, then he should be with you, whether it’s dinner or cuddling on the couch. Otherwise, he should just make it official and start dating his phone.
  3. Not listening. Great sex is all about communication and you can’t communicate to each other if neither of you listen. When a guy doesn’t listen, it can come off as though he doesn’t care or isn’t interested, which can lead to you feeling insecure. Dealing with insecurities during sex is just the worst.
  4. Being gross. Although foul things can happen during sex (farting, explosive diarrhea, vomiting during an overzealous blow job), being gross to be “funny” is anything but funny. If you wanted to hang around with someone who laughs every time he farts, you would have just gone out with your brother and his friends.
  5. Trying to talk themselves out of using a condom. It may be 2015 and we may all have had sex education, that doesn’t stop some guys from trying to weasel their way out of using a condom. Not only does it ruin the moment when you have to argue about it, but it ruins all the foreplay that just happened. If he doesn’t want to use a condom with you, it just might his thing with every woman which can lead to paranoia mode.
  6. Putting on “sexy” music. What’s sexy in terms of music is obviously subjective. What this means is that while you might think sexy music is old school Justin Timberlake, he might think Rihanna is the perfect music to have sex to. Before you know it, you’re banging to “Bitch Better Have My Money,” and your lady hard-on has deflated. It’s a fantastic song, but when you’re feeling vengeful, not sexy.
  7. Rushing things. There’s nothing worse than going from zero to 60 in a matter of minutes. When a guy skips the foreplay and goes straight for intercourse, you can’t help but wish you just stayed home and watched Netflix all night instead.
  8. Being selfish. Even if you’re a woman who rarely reaches orgasm during sex, that doesn’t mean a guy can’t try. You have to give and take to have awesome sex, and no one likes someone who takes and takes and takes.
  9. Having a weird concept of dirty talk. I once dated a guy whose idea of talking dirty was talking about his muscles. It was strange and awkward, and obviously short-lived. Granted, not all dirty talk is going to be eloquent and perfect, but it should at least involve sexy things and not muscles, for example (especially if they don’t have any which was the case in my situation.)
  10. Getting pouty about instruction. I think we can all agree that if we’re giving a bit of direction it’s not because the guy doesn’t know what he’s doing or is bad at it, but we’re just helping him out a bit. A guy who gets all mopey or defensive because you’re trying to give him a hand can make a woman’s vagina shrivel, especially if he starts pouting like a 5-year-old.
  11. Being clueless. In men’s defense, a woman’s body is complicated. But one would also like to think that every man reaches a point where he knows how to kiss, can locate the clitoris, and realizes that squeezing our breasts for dear life just isn’t how things work. If he hasn’t, then le sigh. It’s time to go home and eat some ice cream.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.