Unfortunately, awkward sex happens to good people. From bizarre noises to regrettable life decisions, here’s 10 kinds of awkward sex we’ve all experienced at least once.
- “Hey, Are We Even Having Sex?” Quite possibly the most awkward of all awkward sexual encounters is the one where you’re not even sure whether you’re having sex in the first place. Is that a finger inside you? A thumb? Because, it can’t be a penis… right?! There’s nothing worse than whispering sexily in a guy’s ear, “I want you inside me,” only to have him reply, “I’m already in and it feels great.” Wait, WHAT?
- “I’ve Made a Terrible Mistake.” You know that moment where you’re hooking up with someone and you realize it’s a terrible idea? Maybe he’s your best male friend and you’ve finally decided to take things to the next level, or maybe he’s that cute, waify dude in your acting class that you finally had the courage to ask out for a beer. Either way, none of the matters, because as soon as you start hooking up, you realize it feels like you’re kissing your brother and you know that after this is over, you shall never speak of it again. Ever.
- “Ow, My Pelvis!” Sure, this guy has lots of energy and the stamina of an energizer bunny on drugs. However, he’s slamming into your vagina like he’s cannonballing off the high tower at the local pool. Two words: Pelvis. Ouch.
- “I Feel Wet… in a Bad Way.” A few years ago, I dated a chef. He was a nice guy and we’d spend lots of time eating delicious things and watching Food Network together. This was all fine and dandy until we got into the bedroom and he treated me like he was Guy Fieri and I was a sandwich. He licked my face. He licked my neck. There was saliva EVERYWHERE. When he spit on his hand and put it between my legs, I nearly jumped out of bed.
- “Yikes, Your Sex Face Is Scary.” He’s really hot and you’re super into him, but why are his eyes rolling back into his head like he’s experiencing an exorcism? Should you look away? Close your eyes? Grin and bear it? Invest in hypnosis to have the image permanently scrubbed from your brain? At the end of the day, there’s no coming back from this.
- “That’s The Wrong Hole, Bro.” Yes, I totally caught what you’re trying to do there and no, it’s not going to work.
- “Dude, What’s With The Noises?” Like the cringeworthy sex face, there are some noises that can’t be unheard. For example: Jungle noises, screaming and the word “mommy.”
- “Let’s Not Make Eye Contact.” You know what’s more awkward than making eye contact? Making no eye contact whatsoever! I don’t mind a bit of doggy-style action, but if we’re having sex and it’s been 45 minutes since I’ve seen your face, that’s a problem.
- “The Three Pump Dump.” The “Three Pump Dump” usually sounds something like this: “OH! OH! UHHHHHHH!” after which you ask yourself, “Did we actually just have sex?” It happens to the best of us. It’s awkward, but luckily it’s over before you know it.
- “The Guitar Solo.” Really great sex is like music: there’s a give & take between the different instruments, crescendos, melody and a good use of rhythm. “The Guitar Solo” basically takes all of those principles and blows them straight to hell. It’s a one person performance that usually involves spastic movements, bizarre vocalizations (“Hell Yeah! Score! Touchdown!”) and perhaps even some rodeo-style arm movements. In other words, it combines numerous awkward elements into a symphony of sexual terribleness. No one should have to endure this and yet, most of us have.
