12 Misconceptions About Queer Women I’d Like To Clear Up Right Now

As a queer woman, I hear a lot of stupid things on a semi-regular basis. I’m always happy to educate the genuinely curious, as long as they’re respectful, but many of the misconceptions revolving around queer women, lesbians, and bisexuals are rooted in ignorance. The next time someone asks you a ludicrous question about your sexuality, refer them to this. It’s a handy guide to pull out anytime somebody attempts to degrade you with an idiotic myth.

No, using a dildo doesn’t mean queer women crave penis.

I hear this argument so often that it makes me want to shove dildos in my ears so that I don’t have to listen to it again. See, a dildo is not like a penis, not really. Some of them are shaped like penises, but that has more to do with female anatomy than the penis itself. Queer women use dildos and vibrators for the same reason straight women do: they never get tired, you can replace the batteries if they do, and they never have difficulty finding the clitoris.

No, lesbians aren’t lesbians because we never met the right guy.

Every queer woman I know has heard this insulting statement, particularly the women who are in same-sex relationships. Most of them, like myself, spent plenty of time dating men. They never met the right man because they, like me, were supposed to be looking for the right woman but they didn’t realize it yet. Personally, I have no desire to continue having sex with guys just to make sure that “the right one” isn’t out there somewhere, waiting for a lesbian to bone him.

No, women do not like women because a dude broke our hearts.

Women who find other women desirable do not do so because we can’t get guys or because we lost a guy or because a guy broke up with us. Liking girls isn’t a consolation prize, nor is it a choice. Sometimes, a breakup can make a woman open up her eyes and realize that she’s not happy, but a broken heart never “turned” anyone gay. Miss me with that, please.

No, we’re not queer because of sexual assault or rape.

You can’t make someone want a same-sex relationship. Sexual assault is damaging and confusing, absolutely, and I say that as a survivor. Far too many women are. What I went through had nothing to do with my attraction toward women, though. Don’t try to find a scapegoat to explain away our sexuality. That ain’t gonna work.

No, queer women do not hate men.

Do some queer women hate men? Probably. Is it because those women are gay? Nope. Most lesbians and bisexual women are perfectly cool sharing the planet with our bros. We don’t want to have sex with you, but that hardly means we hate you. If that’s what you think, then the problem probably lies with you.

No, one of us isn’t “the man” and the other one isn’t “the woman.”

That’s some heteronormative BS right there. Two women in a relationship don’t need to fall into the same roles as a traditional heterosexual couple. Hell, a man and a woman in a relationship don’t need to fall into those categories, either. They’re arbitrary and obsolete. Two femme women can be in a relationship just as easily as two butch women, or one of each. They might even go through stages. Who knew?

No, lesbians and bisexuals who like butch women are not straight.

I’m butch, my wife likes me, I’m pretty sure she’s not straight. It’s an aesthetic, a mindset, an attitude. It’s not penis-envy. Women who like women and are attracted to androgynous or masculine-presenting women still like women, you dig?

No, femme queer women are not confused.

The idea that feminine-presenting queer women are just confused or going through a phase is ridiculous. The way a woman dresses has nothing to do with her sexuality. Neither does her makeup. People are often surprised my wife is married to a woman because she’s incredibly girly, but that’s because she likes to wear makeup and do her hair. She also likes boobs and vagina. Where’s the correlation?

No, not all queer women have daddy issues.

I don’t even get this one, to be honest, but I’ve been asked, as has every other queer woman I know. It can happen, but it doesn’t always, and when it does, the paternal problems have nothing to do with sexuality. If that were the case, I’d like boys because my dad is the bomb.

No, the lesbians do not rent U-Hauls on their second dates.

This one is so silly. It’s kind of insulting, too. We wait until the third date. The second date is reserved for trimming our fingernails.

No, not all queer women burn our bras.

That is to say, not all of us identify as feminists or revolutionaries. Do many of us? You bet your sweet ass we do. However, to meet a queer woman and automatically assume that she’s Gloria Steinem’s long-lost daughter is just a bunch of stereotyping bollocks.

No, bisexual women do not want to have a threesome with you.

What is it with people assuming that all bisexuals are into threesomes, anyway? Bisexual women are not sexual accessories. They do not exist to fulfill a fantasy or boost your sad, flagging sex life. Get a grip.

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