Could The Guy You’re Dating Be Secretly Gay?

Many of us know early on that we’re gay, straight, or somewhere in between, but knowing is only half the battle. In a society that still discriminates against LGBTQ individuals regularly, it’s not easy to be out and proud, and many people end up in relationships they don’t belong in just to save face. Could you be dating a guy who’s gay but either doesn’t realize it or is too afraid to admit it to himself or anyone else? Here are some signs that might be the case.

  1. He isn’t physically affectionate at all, even in private. You guys could have newly hooked up or maybe you’re old flames. If your guy isn’t into holding hands, kissing, hugging, or cuddling pretty much ever, that’s a serious red flag. Sure, there are guys who don’t like PDA but are passionate behind closed doors, but if his behavior with you is cold 24/7, he’s either not into you or there’s something else going on. That’s not to say that all guys who like their own space are secretly gay, but if he doesn’t show that he’s into you and your body, it’s because he probably isn’t.
  2. He never initiates sex and often makes excuses when you do. Not all men have insane sex drives, and how much sex a couple has depends on how much sex they want or are comfortable with. There is no “normal” amount to be having it, but if you’re in a romantic relationship, you should be having it at some point. If he not only never initiates but either makes excuses to avoid having sex when you do or just seems to be going along with it to assuage you, there’s a problem.
  3. He’s extremely homophobic or holds discriminatory views against the LGBT community. Is your guy is an extreme homophobe and violently negative about the gay community? It could mean he has hidden issues with his sexual orientation that he hasn’t confronted yet. Again, it could just mean that he’s a terrible bigot, but if you’re having some doubts, an open talk may work or it might not. It’s for you to decide if the relationship is worth all the stress and the tension.
  4. He’s secretive about who he’s spending time with when he’s not with you. Most guys tend to introduce you to their friends when you’ve been dating for a little while and he feels comfortable with you. If your guy is super defensive about his friends and doesn’t even talk about them around you, it’s a sign he’s got something to hide. Sure, it might be a heterosexual affair, but he could be worried that his crew might out him to you. It’s certainly possible.
  5. He tends to orgasm only with the help of sex toys. For many guys, anal stimulation can be incredibly pleasurable while other dudes aren’t into using an exit-only area as an entrance. Anal play for guys is fine—hell, plenty of straight guys love pegging—but if your guy seems to be interested in sex only when you have a bunch of sex toys around to use on him, that’s worrying. An occasional interest is fine, but if all he wants from you in bed is to go to town on him, it’s time for a serious talk.
  6. He gets pretty touchy-feely with guys when he’s drunk. You know that your guy isn’t very tactile and that’s fine, but if he gets too close to other guys after a few drinks, he may not be all that into the opposite sex. It could be that the alcohol loosens his otherwise homophobic views or it could also mean that being tipsy makes him more open to what he truly feels on the inside. As a one-off, it may mean he’s just crazy drunk. If it happens too often, it may be time to rethink it all.
  7. His laptop or phone constantly gets ads for gay sites. If his computer history is suspiciously clean—as in he tends to delete it after every session—it could be a simple matter of OCD or something much darker. Again, a single issue like this shouldn’t make you paranoid about his orientation, but if ads for gay dating or porn sites keep popping up in is e-mail and browser, there’s something deeper going on.
  8. He knows more about fashion than anyone you’ve ever met. Clichéd as it may sound, many gay guys do have rather refined taste in clothing. If your guy notices the lint or another dude’s blazer more than he does your cleavage, it’s troubling, to say the least. He doesn’t care about the women around him and that might have pleased you in the beginning. However, if his sole focus is what other guys are wearing and how they’re wearing it, it’ll get old very fast.
  9. He doesn’t seem all that interested in you but he insists he doesn’t want to break up. When you do manage to lock him down for a long overdue dinner date, he refuses to touch you and doesn’t act like he’s missed you at all. In fact, he seems totally fine with the fact that you’re together but barely ever actually together. When you press him, he insists he cares and doesn’t want to lose you but his behavior says otherwise. He seems way more enthusiastic about his relationships with the men in his life than his relationship with you, and that’s just not right.
After being the Beauty Editor of Cosmopolitan and Good Housekeeping magazine and living a mad, mad life; Rima J Pundir hung up her work heels to start a family. She now splits her time between writing articles and doing remote work (she's a proud WAHM), raising her two boys and pottering around in her kitchen and kitchen garden. She writes for Bolde, Basmati & TheRichest for now and is also starting a line of child-oriented mobile applications: Alphabetastic.
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