The tendency to self-destruct can stem from a variety of issues like fear, negative self-image, low self-esteem, trauma, and mental health issues. Whatever the reason, it can wreak havoc on your intimate relationship. Here are 12 signs you’re self-destructing before your relationship even has a chance.
- You find yourself listening to negative self-talk. There’s a terribly mean voice in your head that talks to you in your own voice. It tells you that you’re a terrible person, you don’t deserve anything, nobody loves you, and you’re going to fail at anything you try to do. These messages are cruel but you can’t help thinking they’re true. You internalize the messages and live your life as if they were true.
- Your self-pity goes through the roof. As a result of these negative voices, you become entirely self-pitying. You think that life is unfair, the world is against you, and that you’re just totally doomed. While your partner’s desiring some of your attention, you’re focused entirely on what’s wrong with you and how crappy you are. Self-pity becomes your new toxic lover.
- You push your partner away. You don’t think that you deserve your partner’s love–or any love at all–so you find yourself pushing them out of your life. You’re canceling plans, lashing out, and finding ways to make your partner mad at you. You may not even be aware of how much you’re pushing them away, but they can see it.
- You nitpick your partner to death. You’re feeling so insecure about yourself that you’re projecting it all onto your lover. You’re uncomfortable in your skin so you want to find things that are wrong with them. At least if you do that, they’ll have a small understanding of how awful you feel. Part of you knows it’s unfair, but you can’t help doing it anyway.
- You look for reasons to be upset. When you’re acting in self-destructive ways, you aren’t content with happiness. You always want to find a way to ruffle some feathers and start a fight. You go out of your way to look for things to be upset about when it comes to your relationship. Your partner is left confused about why there’s never any peace.
- You cling to your partner. If you’re not hiding from your partner, you’re acting like a codependent child, clinging onto them for dear life. You oscillate between distance and clinging. However, the closeness feels desperate rather than resembling true intimacy. Then you second guess yourself and become fearful that it’ll all be taken away from you.
- You lose your temper. Especially when your partner wants to talk about what the hell is going on, you find yourself getting uncontrollably angry. You’re prone to both explosive fits of rage and small bouts of stomping your feet when things don’t go your way. You can’t seem to get a grip on your temper.
- You lie to your partner. It sometimes feels uncontrollable, like the lies fall out of your mouth without your consent. Other times, the lies are calculated. Regardless, you find yourself lying to a person that you care about and you can’t even really explain why. You know the lies will catch up with you, but they keep coming out of your mouth.
- You play games or act manipulative. Since you feel so powerless over your life and yourself, you play games to manipulate your partner in order to feel a semblance of control. You may pretend you don’t care about your partner or bring someone else into the picture to introduce an element of jealousy. No matter how you play games, your end game is to try to feel okay, but this never quite works out.
- You’re occasionally promiscuous. A huge self-destructive habit in relationships is the inability to be loyal. Maybe you get really drunk and sleep with strangers or you reach out to exes. Whatever your flavor of promiscuity, it may feel great in the moment, but it always leaves you feeling terrible–unsure of why you’re so careless about your partner’s feelings (and your own well-being).
- You overindulge on drink. There are tons of possible side effects that come from drinking a lot. Putting yourself in dangerous situations by sleeping with strangers is definitely one of them, but you could also drive drunk, say things you shouldn’t, miss work, and get physically ill. Overindulging on drink is a symptom of self-sabotaging and could be a sign of a bigger problem.
- You isolate yourself socially. When you’re acting in self-destructive ways, you don’t want to talk to friends or family. You feel ashamed of your behavior, so you put a huge wall up to keep people out of your life. When this is happening, no one can call you out on your BS or help you figure out what’s going on. It leaves you to self-destruct all alone until there’s none of you left.
