Most of the time, being in a relationship is awesome, especially if you’re a good fit for each other. But when you’re a singleton, there are certain aspects of being in a relationship that seem to be more appealing than they actually are, especially these:
- Spooning It feels quite comforting for the first couple of minutes… until you hear a voice in your ear say: “Sweet Jesus, your body heat is melting my skin off and you’re crushing my arm, can you get the hell away from me?” At this point, any romance that you felt before is now dead.
- Sex on tap Sure, this is a wonderful premise in the beginning, when the relationship is new and exciting you’re still in the honeymoon period and therefore all over each other, but what about after that? Do I really want to have sex with my boyfriend when I’m developing a huge food baby from the Chinese takeout we’ve just eaten and I’m really into this episode of Shark Tank? Hell to the no.
- Having someone to talk to all the time. OK, so I’ve already told the story of why my friend Sandra has been caught cheating on her boyfriend and has to move in with her parents at the grand age of 33 to several of my other friends, so do I really have to repeat myself again just because my boyfriend wants to know? FYI, sometimes I don’t want to have to talk and tell my boyfriend everything. I just want to BE—is that so much to ask?
- Having someone to be with all the time. Being with someone physically all the time can drive you mad if you’re a fellow introvert. Sure, it’s a great comfort; however, it can also be a pain the butt on the days that you just want to chill for hours in the bathtub with a good book instead of making the effort to go and see your boyfriend.
- Having someone to say goodnight to This is all well and good if you keep up with it, but if one of you passes out in bed after one too many alcoholic beverages and forgets to say it? HOLY. MOTHER. OF. GOD. It can cause World War 3.
- Spending time with another family It’s lovely getting to know and spending time with a family who isn’t actually my family, but can I seriously remember the names of all your cousins? No. And do I want to stand there awkwardly while your mom and grandma fight over who’s to blame for picking up some rotten turkey for dinner at the grocery store? Also no.
- Having someone to spend the holidays with Yes, it’s nice to share holidays with someone else, but not when you have to spend hundreds of dollars on extra gifts for his three family dogs, two cats and a pet budgie called Boris—as well as all those other family members who you hardly know. Yay.
- Sharing a bed with someone else This might be considered another great comfort when you’re in a relationship, but what about if you’re dating a serial snorer? Spending hours tossing and turning after a restless night’s sleep thanks to Snorey McSnorerson (your boyfriend) when you’ve got a big work presentation the next day is not ideal. And don’t even talk to me about bed hoggers. For the love of God, man, STICK TO YOUR SIDE. It’s not rocket science.
- Having someone to do things with. It’s all well and good having a companion… until it comes to organizing your already busy schedule. It can be hard to find time to juggle the gym, keep up with life admin and see friends and family members regularly, let alone if another person is thrown into the mix. That new yoga class you keep meaning to try out? Not so new anymore. In fact, three years have passed and you still haven’t had time to try it out. See my point?
- Having someone to cook meals or eat with It’s nice to share mealtimes with someone… until you realize he doesn’t like chicken and you’re a chicken lover. Or, what about the guy I once had a massive argument with because I forgot he was gluten-free and I accidentally cooked him pasta containing wheat? It didn’t exactly make for an entertaining evening. And don’t get me started on the washing up. There’s more of it and he usually doesn’t want to do it. Ugh.
- Always having a plus-one Sure, it’s great to have a companion for special occasions and events. However, sometimes you just want to be able to attend your best friend’s wedding solo so that you can spend quality time with your friends, without having to worry that your boyfriend doesn’t have anyone to talk to or is staring absent-mindedly at the wall (clearly bored).
- Having to consider someone else’s happiness When you’re in a relationship, you can’t think of yourself anymore. You’re in a partnership with your other half and you have to consider him in everything that you do. Gone are the days where you can come and go to your house as you please, and just look out for number one, you now have to look out for number two as well. That’s why, if you’re going to be in a relationship, you better make sure it’s with the right guy that makes all of the above seem worthwhile. Otherwise, stay single, my friend.
