These 12 Things Still Hurt Even Though I’m Technically “Over You”

These 12 Things Still Hurt Even Though I’m Technically “Over You”

I can finally say with complete honesty that I don’t miss you. In fact, I sometimes go days, weeks, and even longer without you crossing my mind at all. I don’t regret our relationship, but I don’t regret ending it either. And even though I’m happier now than I ever was with you, pretending certain things don’t suck would be an outright lie.

  1. Significant dates When you spend so much of your life with someone, their milestones become yours. Naturally the important days like your birthday, our anniversary, and Valentine’s Day are hard, but it’s the smaller ones that tend to creep into the back of my mind. Like when I’m staring at the calendar and remember that a year ago today we left for that vacation. Or when I look ahead and realize that the plans we had for next summer won’t happen after all. I am moving forward, but on certain days, I can’t help but go back in time.
  2. Family gatherings and holidays For so many years you were by my side at every celebration. Your family’s traditions became mine, mine became yours and at first, sitting around the table without you felt so horribly wrong. I’ve gotten through most of the big holidays alone by now, but every time Christmas rolls around, the dull ache in my stomach comes back too.
  3. Remembering the happy moments They come when I least expect them, and sometimes they are so random that no matter how hard I try, I can’t find the trigger. I relive the times when everything wasn’t so messed up. The days when I didn’t fall asleep with tears in my eyes. The nights when I actually felt safe in your arms. I know the good memories were few and far between, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t real. And when they hit, they hurt.
  4. Remembering the awful moments If happy memories are painful, the rest are agonizing. When I think about our rise and fall I notice the warning signs earlier in the story each time. The truth about how you made me feel and how much you destroyed me doesn’t just upset me — it makes me downright pissed.
  5. Seeing your car This one might be the most pathetic, but I still crane my neck to check the license plate every time that make, model, and color passes on the street. I know you’re thousands of miles away, but there’s no greater relief than pulling up next to the car and seeing a stranger.
  6. Hearing your name It’s unfortunate since yours is pretty common, but my breath catches in my chest every time it’s said. If I meet someone with your name, I try my best not to say it out loud. If a profile comes up on a dating app, I make sure to swipe left. I’m sure this will be one of the things that gets better with time, but for now, all those letters signify is a reminder that the person I thought I knew turned out to be someone entirely different.
  7. Re-reading old conversations Whenever a friend goes through a breakup, I tell them to delete every text and e-mail. But when it comes to me following my own advice, it’s suddenly not that simple. Even after I purged my accounts, some lines of communication fell through the cracks. Reading them now feels like an out-of-body experience, and it blows.
  8. Wanting to share a funny story It happens less and less now, but every so often, I see or do something you would like, and I get an overwhelming urge to tell you about it. You were my go-to person for so long that even though it’s been a year since you filled that role, it’s impossible to escape the subtle reminders of your sense of humor.
  9. Thinking about the plans we made There’s a reason I could never quite picture the wedding we talked about. There’s a reason we constantly fought about my need to have kids and your indifference. There’s a reason we needed to go our separate ways. But the fact remains that for years, I thought you were my future. And thinking about all the upcoming milestones that now will never materialize is a sad reality.
  10. The urge to talk about you Whether it’s to a coworker, a friend or the new person I’m trying to let in, I hate opening my mouth to tell a story, only to snap it shut when I realize it will be about you. I want to move on, and in many ways I have. But we had so many memories and so much time together, that most of my stories contain you or something related to us.
  11. Wondering how you’re doing Even though it’s not my job anymore, I think part of me will always worry about you. I’m so curious if you’re doing better, or if you’re still at rock bottom, unwilling and unable to pull yourself up. Have you changed? Have you finally accepted what you refused to when I walked away? I’ll never get all the answers, and that’s a tough pill to swallow.
  12. Knowing you’ll always be my first love I wish I could hate you and say that I would be better off if we never met, but we both know that’s not true. I can’t deny that you and our relationship are a fundamental part of why I am who I am today. I’m not proud of all of my choices, and I know you aren’t either, but at the end of the day, I know everything happened for a reason.
We only have one chance to live this life and I'm making the most of it. I'll make plenty of mistakes along the way but each one will send me further down the right path.