12 Types Of Intimacy You Have When You First Start Dating Someone New 

One of the best parts about dating someone new is the intimacy that comes with it. Sure, getting to know them and hanging out is great too, but exploring uncharted territory is always an effing blast. The best part about those initial romps is the fact that there isn’t just one kind of intimacy you’ll have. There are plenty and they’re all equally delicious.

  1. Taking it slow “maybe we should actually wait… oh, screw it” intimacy It may be lovely in theory to think you can actually hold out and take it slow, once things get going, all bets are off. But, hey, points for trying, I guess, right?
  2. Passionate “you never get a first time with someone twice” intimacy Just like the first time you kiss someone, you only get to sleep with someone for the first time once. Sigh! While neither one of you will ever acknowledge the fact in the moment, it’ll definitely be in the back of both of your minds, therefore intensifying the passion level like whoa.
  3. Excited “a new body, a new person, a new exploration” intimacy Getting it on with someone new is really exciting! It’s like you’ve each been given a brand new toy, one you’ve never seen before, and since there are no instructions as to how to approach, you just go for it.
  4. Nervous “I totally hope we’re going to be on the same page” intimacy Among those early romps are the nervous ones too. Although people who’ve been together for a long time might not have any qualms about expressing their likes and dislikes in the bedroom, new lovers tread lightly on this one so as not to offend. Either way, it becomes a great learning experience.
  5. Apprehensive “I’m not sure if he’ll like this, but…” intimacy Hey, you never know until you try, right? However, I’d highly advise if this particular thing is butt-related, you do discuss it first. Many straight men are very closed off to bum play even though it feels amazing for them because of their prostates.
  6. Frigid “I’ll just let them lead the way on this one” intimacy It’s not that you’re not into them and you’re not having fun, you kind of want to take a back seat and let them lead the way so you know what they enjoy, especially if you’ve still yet to reach the communication part of your relationship. (Also, please get on that ASAP—great intimacy needs communication to really be awesome and flourish.)
  7. Pondering “I hope they’re not offended that my vibrator is about to join the party” intimacy Although we’ve definitely reached a point in the current revolution where toys are pretty much a standard, with the majority of the people owning them and using them regularly both solo and with their partners, there’s still a small minority of people who either feel intimidated or insulted by a toy. To them I say, “C’mon, it’s giving you the third hand you don’t have, so be grateful as opposed to offended. It’s going to take A LOT of pressure off of you.”
  8. Curious “If I tell them what I really want, what’s going to happen?” intimacy Whether it’s a fetish or just a particular mild kink, putting it out there early on can feel fairly daunting. Still, you’re going to have to tell them sooner or later that you want them to lick Skittles out of your belly button, so you might as well do it sooner.
  9. Romantic “I’m really hoping they just think I want this and that it’s not their scene” intimacy Before you find your happy medium, they might try that romantic nonsense that only a certain type of person can really enjoy. But since it’s still the early days and you’re both just feeling things out, you can’t totally blame them for trying this. Maybe they’ve been watching too many romantic movies and thinks that’s how you want it? I can’t say for sure; I’m not psychic.
  10. Demanding “this is what I like” intimacy After more than a few romps, especially if too much of that romantic stuff is going down, you may have to get right to the point and have to have some demanding intimacy. You actually might even have to say, “Listen, buster, you spank me now or we’re really going to have to work on our bedroom compatibility stat.”
  11. Inquisitive “tell me everything you like” intimacy In turn, if your partner can’t put out there what they want, you’re going to have to start the conversation for them: “Listen, buster, I want the details on what you’re into stat.” Full disclosure: You don’t have to address your partner as “buster”—it just has a funny ring to it and great intimacy should involve laughing.
  12. Vaguely comfortable “I think we’re kinda getting into a groove” intimacy While this one probably won’t show up until at least a month or so in, it will eventually appear. It won’t be the level of comfort you shared with any long-term partners from your past, but it’ll be comfortable enough to prove you’re both getting there.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.