Is there such a thing as bad sex? You bet! Sure, not every sexual encounter will be amazing, but most of them should at least feel pretty damn good. What’s the point otherwise? That’s why I’ve decided to swear off the types of sex I never enjoy and you should do the same.
- Shower sex It’s way too messy and kind of dangerous. Shower sex looks fun on TV but whenever I try it in real life, I’m left disappointed. Besides the fact that water is flying all over the place, it’s way too hard to get into a position that’s suitable for a penis to enter without slipping. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen while trying to have sex in the shower. No more!
- First date sex Sex on a first date isn’t a good idea for me. To each their own, of course, but whenever I’ve had sex during a first meetup, I’ve walked away from it feeling used and stressed out wondering whether I’d hear from the guy again (spoiler alert: I rarely did).
- Way too drunk to be coordinated sex There’s a difference between being drunk and stable and drunk and falling all over the place. Honestly, no one should be having sex when they’re too drunk to stand. I learned this the hard way when I tried to sleep with my boyfriend and ended up throwing up all over his bed, his carpet, and him.
- Regret sex What is regret sex, you ask? It’s when you finish sleeping with someone and immediately after you think to yourself, “Ugh, I probably shouldn’t have done that.” I’ve experienced regret sex more than once, unfortunately. It first happened once when I slept with my friend’s ex-boyfriend and then again when I slept with my ex-boyfriend’s brother. Yikes.
- Desperate sex Have you ever been super horny and because you’re so horny, you feel like you have to have sex regardless of who it’s with? I know I have, but I also know that kind of sex rarely works out in my favor because I usually end up sleeping with someone (like an ex) I know I shouldn’t sleep with. This leads to regret, but more importantly, annoyance because afterward, I have to try to close the emotional door I so randomly opened.
- Tired, half-hearted sex This type of sex is a complete waste of time. Sleeping with someone when you’re both tired (or just you are) seriously sucks. In order for sex to be good, both parties need to be feeling up to the task. I don’t ever want to have to do all the work because my partner is exhausted from work. No thanks.
- Kinky sex in a shared space I’ll never, ever again have kinky sex while living with a roommate (while that roommate is home). I’m not against doing it when he or she isn’t there, but being tied up and spanked while someone sleeps a few inches away is stressful AF.
- Period sex I had a friend who was obsessed with period sex. According to her, it was no big deal. “Blood is only a fluid, just like semen,” she said. Yes, blood itself isn’t a huge deal but having sex on your period is really disgusting. I don’t want to get too intimate here, but blood went everywhere when I tried it. It wasn’t like a crime scene or anything but there were red blotches all over the sheets and the condom was as cherry as could be. Nope.
- After the gym sex Similar to period sex, having sex after the gym is just a little too dirty for me. I feel disgusting after a workout and trying to have an orgasm when I feel like real-life boner repellent just doesn’t work. Even if I’m clean and he’s the one who’s sweaty, I’m still not down because smelling stench or gym sweat is just not sexy.
- Single-position sex I’m too young to be sticking to missionary. I need a little switch up when I’m having sex. I’m not against starting in missionary, that’s fine, but things had better not end there. I want sex to be engaging at all times. Sometimes I want to go fast, sometimes I want to go to slow. I want sex to be a passionate roller coaster ride.
- Zero chemistry sex There’s nothing worse than sleeping with someone you have no chemistry with. Ugh. My entire college experience was filled with these kinds of rendezvous (don’t judge, I was wild during undergrad) and it was kind of exhausting to have to think of Zac Efron while a guy who kinda repulsed me licked my neck as if it was a lollipop.
- Virgin sex I’ve slept with two virgins in my life. One of them was when I was a virgin so it was actually pretty cute and the other was kind of a disaster. The guy seriously had no idea what he was doing, which was weird because I’m pretty sure he watched a lot of porn. I know porn isn’t exactly a helpful how-to guide but it should at least teach someone where the penis is supposed to go, no?
