Raising kids is a lifelong experiment—and sometimes, you don’t realize the results until it’s too late. If you’re watching your adult children navigate the world with cold detachment, emotional blindness, or flat-out indifference to others, it’s a gut punch that makes you question where things went wrong. Empathy isn’t a given—it’s a skill. And if your grown kids lack it, these brutal signs will hit like a brick.
1. They Treat Every Conversation Like A Competition
When you’re trying to share your feelings, they cut in to talk about *themselves*. They don’t ask follow-up questions or offer comfort—they pivot back to their story like it’s a race to one-up your pain. It’s subtle at first, but over time, it leaves you feeling invisible.
This isn’t just self-centeredness—it’s a lack of emotional curiosity. According to Psych Central, people who lack empathy often struggle to engage in reciprocal, supportive conversations.
2. They Dismiss Other People’s Struggles
If someone’s venting about a tough situation, they shrug and say, “Well, they should have handled it better.” There’s no pause for compassion, no attempt to see the world through another person’s eyes. It’s a cold, judgmental detachment that feels jarring once you notice it.
This tendency reveals a deep inability to connect with other people’s pain. As Verywell Mind notes, empathy is what allows us to respond to others’ distress with care rather than indifference.
3. They Avoid Situations That Require Emotional Support
They’ll ghost a friend in crisis, dodge family events when things get tense, or simply disappear when emotional labor is needed. They say they’re “busy” or “not good at that stuff,” but really, they just don’t want to feel uncomfortable.
It’s not just flakiness—it’s an unwillingness to sit in someone else’s discomfort. And it’s a glaring absence when people need them the most.
4. They Get Annoyed When Someone Else Is The Center Of Attention
They can’t stand being in the background—especially when someone else is receiving care or praise. You’ll see it in subtle eye rolls, forced smiles, or passive-aggressive comments. Their need for attention eclipses their ability to celebrate others.
It’s not just immaturity—it’s a sign they can’t step outside their own emotional orbit. They see life as a spotlight, and if it’s not on them, they don’t care.
5. They Don’t Offer Help Without Being Asked
If you’re sick, moving, or struggling, they won’t offer to pitch in. And when you do ask, they act like you’re burdening them. They might say “sure” through gritted teeth, but the lack of enthusiasm is painfully obvious.
This reluctance isn’t about boundaries—it’s about a missing instinct to ease someone else’s load. According to Psychology Today, empathy often motivates people to help others without being prompted.
6. They Talk About People Like They’re Characters In A Show
When they gossip, it’s cold, detached, and often cruel. They describe people’s struggles like it’s entertainment, not real pain. The lack of emotional depth is chilling once you catch it.
It’s a subtle form of dehumanization. If they can’t connect to the reality of other people’s experiences, empathy is absent.
7. They Blame Other People’s Problems On Weakness
If someone’s struggling—financially, emotionally, or mentally—they’ll say it’s because they didn’t “try hard enough.” They frame hardship as a personal flaw, not a complex web of circumstances. This black-and-white thinking is a dead giveaway they lack empathy.
Compassion requires nuance. As noted by the National Institutes of Health, empathetic people recognize the complexity of human struggles and avoid oversimplified judgments.
8. They Don’t Apologize Or Take Accountability
They’ll say “I’m sorry *you* feel that way,” or “I didn’t mean it *like that*,” but they never own their impact. Their apologies are performances, not genuine moments of accountability.
True empathy means recognizing how you hurt someone, even if it wasn’t intentional. If they can’t do that, they’re emotionally stunted.
9. They Never Ask How You’re Really Doing, Unless They Want Something
Conversations feel transactional. They’ll check in when they need advice, money, or support—but when the tables turn, they’re emotionally unavailable. The pattern becomes so predictable, it’s almost a script.
This isn’t just busyness—it’s selective caring. They give attention only when there’s something in it for them.
10. They Get Defensive When Confronted
Try to bring up feelings, and they’ll change the subject, make a joke, or act like you’re being “dramatic.” They can’t handle emotional vulnerability—even their own. It’s a wall that shuts you out, over and over.
This avoidance isn’t just discomfort—it’s an inability to engage empathetically. If they can’t handle emotions, they can’t hold space for you.
11. They Resent People Who Are Successful
When someone in their circle succeeds, they don’t feel happy—they feel jealous. They’ll downplay achievements, subtly criticize, or just go quiet. It’s a cold absence where joy should be.
Empathy means sharing in others’ happiness, not shrinking from it. Their inability to do so is telling.
12. They Get Bored When Conversations Aren’t About Them
Their attention wanders the moment the focus shifts away from their life. They fidget, glance at their phone, or change the subject. It’s a subtle way of saying, “This isn’t worth my time.”
This self-absorption is a core sign of low empathy. If they can’t stay present for someone else’s story, they’ll never understand anyone’s feelings but their own.
13. They Consider Empathy As A Weakness
They’ll say things like “toughen up” or “you’re too sensitive” when someone shares pain. They view emotional depth as a flaw—something to be mocked, not respected. That mindset is a dead end for connection.
Empathy isn’t a weakness—it’s what makes us human. If your adult children can’t see that, they’re not just cold—they’re emotionally stunted.
