13 Things You Should Never Do Unless You’re Trying To Drive Him Away

These days, the word “crazy” gets thrown around like it’s no big deal. Somehow even when we’re reacting to something ridiculous a guy did, we still end up the “crazy” girl that just couldn’t control her emotions. So, if we’re going to get accused of being crazy anyway, we might as well go out there and really earn it, right? Otherwise, the word crazy will eventually mean nothing more than “mildly upset”. Let’s band together and show guys what a crazy girl really looks like.

  1. Show up unannounced when he’s out with his friends. Sure, you know it’s technically a guys night, but why would be want to be at a sausage fest when he could be spending time with you?
  2. Threaten every girl who dares to look at your man with violence. That girl in the McDonald’s drive through had better avert her gaze immediately if she doesn’t want you to yank her through that tiny window by her stupid side braid.
  3. Call his mom before he even introduces you. She’s probably dying to meet you anyway, so why not just bypass him altogether and invite her out for brunch and a mani-pedi? On you, of course.
  4. Start dropping hints about putting a ring on it… after one date. You aren’t getting any younger, and if you’re going to meet all your predetermined relationship deadlines, you’re really going to have to consider booking that venue with the two year waiting list in the next couple months.
  5. Start telling him who he can and can’t be friends with. You can tell his best friend from grade school isn’t a big fan of yours, so you’d better nip that toxic friendship in the bud. And he better not even think about hanging out with a female friend one on one. Or ever, actually.
  6. Appoint yourself as his personal spokeswoman. He said he’d take care of it, but you hate to see someone walk all over him, and you can be very persuasive when you want to be. He’ll thank you when he realizes you’ve done the hard work for him.
  7. Post on Facebook how devastated you are every time you have a fight. You don’t want to have to relay the story of your fight 10 different times to 10 different people, so posting an essay on Facebook (don’t forget to tag him!) is a lot more efficient.
  8. “Borrow” his house key, make a copy, and sneak into his house in the middle of the night “just to cuddle”. You sleep so much better when you’re in his arms.
  9. Accuse him of cheating every time he takes too long to answer a text. Hello? Baby? Where are you? What are you doing? Are you with a girl? If you don’t answer me right now, I’m going to come over there
  10. Install a GPS tracking app on his cell phone. How else would you be able to show up to all his guys nights, family dinners, and work functions without an invite?
  11. Check his emails while he’s in the shower. If he’s got nothing to hide, he won’t mind if you read every email he’s ever sent in his life.
  12. Dump all your friends, quit your job, and tell him it’s because you want to give HIM your undivided attention. If you want your relationship to work out, you have no choice but to make your life completely about him. Besides, you won’t have time for anything else once you become his wife and mother to his children.
  13. Call his ex to let her know she’s officially out of the picture. It’s just common courtesy to let know that she won’t be able to weasel her way back into his life. He’s moved on, and you’re his number one priority now.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.