Strong relationships don’t just happen—they take self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to recognize when you might be the problem. If you’ve noticed patterns of conflict, frustration, or distance in your relationships, it might be time for a few brutal reality checks. Here are 13 things you need to stop doing if you want to build deeper, healthier connections with the people who matter most.
1. If Everyone You Date “Turns Out The Same,” You’re The Problem
If every relationship you’ve ever had ends the same way, there’s a common denominator— you. It’s easy to blame bad luck or assume that you keep attracting the wrong people, but at some point, you have to look at your own role in the cycle. Are you ignoring red flags? Are you seeking out the same personality type and expecting a different result? Are you the one repeating unhealthy patterns? Psychology Today suggests that “If every relationship you’ve had ends the same way, it’s time to look at the common denominator—you.”
The sooner you take responsibility for your own dating habits, the sooner you can break free from them. Instead of assuming all your exes were the problem, start reflecting on what you can change. Growth comes from accountability, and once you recognize your patterns, you can start making choices that lead to better, healthier relationships.
2. If You Need Something, Say It
No one can read your mind. If you want something—whether it’s more quality time, reassurance, or a change in behavior—you have to communicate it. Expecting someone to just “know” what you need and resenting them when they don’t is a recipe for disappointment. According to The Gottman Institute, “Clear, direct communication about your needs is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.”
Clear communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Instead of dropping hints, testing people, or hoping they’ll figure it out, be direct. Expressing your needs doesn’t make you needy—it makes you emotionally mature. And the right people will appreciate your honesty rather than expecting them to decode your emotions.
3. You Don’t Have To “Win” Every Argument
Some people treat arguments like competitions, where the goal is to prove they’re right and their partner is wrong. But relationships aren’t about winning—they’re about understanding. If you approach every disagreement like a battle, you’re going to push people away. Esther Perel advises that “The goal of an argument should be mutual understanding, not winning.”
Instead of trying to dominate the conversation, shift your focus to resolving the issue together. Listening, compromising, and validating the other person’s feelings go much further than being “right.” Relationships aren’t scoreboards, and the sooner you stop keeping track of points, the happier you’ll be.
4. Venting Isn’t The Same As Solving (And It’s Exhausting)
There’s a difference between expressing your emotions and getting stuck in an endless cycle of complaining. Venting can be healthy, but if you’re constantly unloading on your partner or friends without actually working toward a solution, it becomes exhausting for the people around you. As reported by the American Psychological Association, “While venting can provide temporary relief, it doesn’t solve problems and may even reinforce negative emotions.”
At some point, you have to ask yourself: Do I want to fix this, or do I just want to be upset? If you find yourself venting about the same issues over and over again, it might be time to take action instead of just talking about it.
5. You Need To Be More Aware Of And Lean Into Others’ Problems
Sometimes, people are distant because they’re stressed. Sometimes, they cancel plans because they’re overwhelmed. Sometimes, their bad mood has absolutely nothing to do with you. Assuming that every shift in someone’s behavior is a personal attack is a surefire way to create unnecessary tension.
People have their own struggles, and not everything is a hidden message or an indirect dig at you. Instead of immediately jumping to conclusions, practice giving people the benefit of the doubt. The world doesn’t revolve around your feelings, and not everything needs to be taken personally.
6. You’re Not The Main Character In Their Life
It’s easy to get wrapped up in your own needs, emotions, and experiences, but the people in your life have their own priorities, struggles, and relationships outside of you. If you expect to always be the center of someone else’s world, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Healthy relationships require balance. Your partner, friends, and family all have lives that exist beyond you, and that’s a good thing. Supporting someone means allowing them to be their own person, not expecting them to orbit around you 24/7.
7. Constant Jealousy Is A “You” Problem
Feeling insecure in a relationship doesn’t automatically mean your partner is doing something wrong. If you find yourself constantly doubting their loyalty, reading into every little thing, or needing constant reassurance, it’s time to look inward.
Jealousy is often a reflection of personal insecurities rather than actual relationship issues. If there’s no real evidence that your partner is being dishonest or unfaithful, then the problem lies in your own fears. Work on building your self-confidence rather than expecting someone else to constantly validate you.
8. Holding Grudges Is A Death Sentence For Relationships
Everyone makes mistakes, and no relationship is free of conflict. But if you hold onto every misstep, storing them like ammunition for future arguments, you’re setting the relationship up for failure. Forgiveness isn’t about pretending something didn’t happen—it’s about deciding that the relationship is more important than keeping score.
If you can’t truly let go of past mistakes, you’ll end up resenting the person you’re with. Holding onto anger only creates distance, and over time, it erodes trust. Either work through the issue and move forward, or accept that you’re not ready to let go and make a decision from there.
9. Expecting Someone To Always Be On Call For You Is Unreasonable
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean your partner has to be available to you 24/7. People have jobs, responsibilities, and personal space that they need to maintain. Expecting someone to drop everything for you at a moment’s notice isn’t love—it’s entitlement.
Instead of demanding constant availability, focus on creating a balanced relationship where both of you have space to be individuals. Independence isn’t a threat to love—it strengthens it.
10. Constantly “Testing” Their Loyalty Will Leave You Lonely
If you’re always setting up situations to see if someone will “prove” their loyalty, you’re creating an unhealthy dynamic. Love isn’t a test, and no one should have to constantly jump through hoops to prove their worthiness.
Trust is something you give, not something you force someone to earn over and over again. If you have to test someone to feel secure in the relationship, then the issue is with your own fears, not their behavior.
11. People Shouldn’t Have To Earn Your Affection
Withholding love, kindness, or warmth as a way to control or manipulate someone isn’t a healthy relationship dynamic. People deserve to feel valued and appreciated without constantly having to prove their worth.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual care and respect, not conditions. If you only show affection when someone meets your expectations, you’re creating an unbalanced dynamic that will eventually push people away.
12. No One Can Fix Your Bad Mood But Yourself
Your emotions are your responsibility. If you constantly expect your partner or friends to fix your bad moods, you’re putting an unfair burden on them. No one else is responsible for regulating your emotions except you.
It’s okay to ask for support, but it’s not okay to make someone feel like they have to “fix” you every time you’re upset. Learning how to self-soothe and manage your emotions will make you a better partner, friend, and person overall.
13. Being “Hard To Love” Isn’t A Personality Trait
Some people wear their emotional unavailability as a badge of honor, acting as though being difficult to connect with makes them more interesting. But pushing people away and expecting them to fight for your affection isn’t a sign of strength—it’s self-sabotage.
If you struggle with vulnerability, work on it. Love isn’t a game where the winner is the person who cares the least. If you want deep, meaningful connections, you have to be willing to let people in.
